The Stentor has just received insider information that yes, in fact, your mom could absolutely tell you were not in the library last night. Without revealing any names, this reporter can confirm that there is no way your mother was fooled by your talk of “papers,” “study groups,” and “just being really busy this week.”
When asked, your mom revealed she first suspected you were not being entirely honest with her when she “heard that awful song about horse whips in the background.” For clarity, it is this reporter’s belief that your mother is referring to “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)” by Silento. Your mother’s suspicions were confirmed when she heard the bouncing of a ping-pong ball in the background, as well as the shouts of “Shots! Shots! Shots!” She said, “At first I thought they were saying ‘Plots!’ and I was so excited that [NAME REDACTED] might be adding an English minor.”
The Stentor understands that this is going to be a difficult time for you and your family, so we would like to offer some tips for the next time you talk to your mom while at a party:
1. Leave the room. Literally go to the bathroom. Why were you answering any kind of telephone call in the middle of a party?
2. If you cannot leave the room, ask your friends to quiet down. They should not be moving forward with the beer pong game without you anyway, so have everyone take a break from binge drinking while you check in with the family.
3. Just say you are at a party. Why are you still lying to your mom? I just spoke to her for this article, and she seems pretty cool. I’m sure she would understand if you called her back later because you’re busy turning up.
I am obligated to remind you to call your mother. She got the TV stuck on HGTV and, while she is not unhappy with this, she is worried about getting to Downton Abbey when the new season starts.
She also told me to ask if you need anything, specifically: fruit snacks, notebook paper, a new sweater? She wonders if your room is warm enough and if you have gotten any grades back. What did you eat for dinner? Do you want her to send you some TUMs like she did last year?
To get more information on how to avoid a similar situation in the future, the Stentor recommends the children’s book Don’t Tell Lies, Lucy!: A Cautionary Tale by Phil Roxbee Cox, as well as a hearty dose of NotGoingOutOnAMonday.
Now go call your mom.
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
