Dean Jepsen reporting, bringing you a Chive special interview with the campus’s bravest student.
We all know the feeling of being called on during a lecture, in the middle of a kickass daydream, right in that sweet spot between sleep and consciousness.
We all know that surge of adrenaline you get when you’re sucked back into reality after spacing out for a solid 15 minutes, thinking about puppies and cotton candy, forced to face your annoyed professor without the faintest idea of what’s going on.
We all know those harrowing moments when you have to frantically come up with an incoherent answer to the question you didn’t even hear, in order to avoid being kicked out of the classroom like the hooligan you are. We have all been there.
Our hero today lives for these moments, and actively seeks them out.
Dean: “So, what got you into the art of bullshitting?”
Student: “I remember bullshitting my first answer back in high school. I used the word ‘interesting’ at least 15 times in one run-on sentence. Since then, I’ve been hooked to spewing nonsense and not doing my homework.”
Dean: “Not many students would have the courage to do what you do, to join in on highly detail-oriented discussions without a single clue as to what you’re supposed to be talking about. Aren’t you worried people will think you’re stupid?”
Student: “You obviously haven’t mastered the art of bullshitting. The trick is to talk so much, and to ramble so inconsistently, that no one knows what you’re saying. That way, they can’t tell if you’re smart or dumb. They just want to move along.”
Dean: “So, had you heard about The Chive before I reached out to you?”
Student: “Uh… yeah, totally, I love reading The Chive. All of its articles are really great. They are all written so well. They really make me think a lot. I love to read The Chive when I’m at work, when I’m in class, when I’m at the caf—I read The Chive every day. So many interesting writers and so many interesting articles. My favorite article was the one that was super funny a few weeks ago. That one was super interesting. I read The Chive every day; it’s super great.”
Dean: “…You’re bullshitting me right now. You’ve never read a single article.”
Student: “No, man, I love The Chive! The Chive is a part of the Stentor. The Stentor is the newspaper of the college, and The Chive articles are inside of the Stentor. The Chive is the super funny part of the Stentor. The Stentor is the larger collection of articles, and The Chive is the satire section that only makes up a portion of the Stentor. I love the Stentor.”
Dean: “You, sir, are good at your craft. Thanks for teaching me your ways. Now go run along and not do your homework.”