By Sergio Bardesi-Texocotitla
A&E and Chive Editor
Preface: This article is sponsored by Big Beef’s National Carson Packing Incorporated.
Gus and Margie Hart Dining Hall, known to the Forester Family as “the Caf,” will soon find itself under new management. A vision that shuns vegetables in order to save the planet. Fresh off a flight from France, Amateur de Boeuf looks forward to implementing a new dietary plan later this February.
His prime commitment? Substituting vegetables, tofu, pork, and chicken for his favorite food: beef.
De Boeuf hails from the Massif region of France, where his father works as one of the nation’s leading cattle ranchers. Thanks, in large part to his father’s influence, du Boeuf fell in love with the bovine’s by-products which are incredibly useful in a wide variety of industries (leather, footballs, detergent, soap, etc.).
“Although humans have many uses for cows,” de Boeuf said, “their methane production dramatically impacts the planet’s warming.”
In college, de Boeuf studied agricultural sciences with a focus in sustainability. He said, “While conducting research for my bachelor’s degree, I learned of various methods that can decrease methane emissions: use different types of feeds for the cows; manage their manure more effectively; stop breeding so many cows; or, most simply, consume more cows.”
He continued, “As a son of a cattle rancher, I love him and his way of life, so I recognize that he should use the first two strategies. The third option, I can’t use. The fourth? Now that I’ll become the head chef at an American school, I’ll increase the student body’s consumption of beef so drastically that our demand outpaces the supply.”
“Eventually, with participation from other schools and institutions, cows will be no more. Adieu to methane.”
As one of President Stephen Schutt’s departing gestures, he worked closely with professors and student leaders to choose a new head chef for the spring semester. Nonetheless, Schutt’s decision embroiled the College.
One professor, Vega TaBable, said, “Du Bouef’s appointment [as head chef] goes against the council’s decision… His theory is irresponsible. He is an anti-sustainability candidate.”
I did not try contacting the League for Environmental Awareness and Protection (LEAP) for their opinion. Naturally, I did not receive a response.
In search of a representative student voice, Dudose del Rez sat outside the dining hall with a simple cardboard sign hanging from their neck: “Accept de Boeuf. Feast on the Beef. Save our Earth.”
According to del Rez, they originally opposed the new chef’s installment. After deep contemplation of de Boeuf’s theory, they said, “His fresh perspective allows me to conjoin two things close to my heart: climate change activism and eating—sharing—red meat.”
“As a second-year student, I look forward to two and a half more years of participating in de Boeuf’s plan to save the world. We all should.”
