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Listen up, y’all. This is gonna be a long one. It’s me, your good ol’ Chive Editor. This is my last issue, and I have some stuff to get off my chest. I have secrets I’ve been keeping for YEARS, and y’all are gonna hear ‘em.

First: Young Hall has a portal to hell in the basement.

Second: Greek Life is a subset of the Illuminati. That’s why people are so eager to join. Beyoncé, Jay-Z, and Katy Perry/JonBenét Ramsey visit every single month, which is why the regulations for chapter attendance are so strict. That’s also the reason why Greek Life sacrifices so many goats.

Third: No, I will not tell you where the Young Hall portal is. You have to find it. That’s the whole point.

Fourth: The Science Center addition is actually a very large time machine. Do not pay attention to other sections of the Stentor about this. The time machine has been an ongoing project of several professors in the sciences, and, frankly, it’s going to save the world. Their initial goal was to go back and kill Hitler, but now they are focused on returning to November 8, 2016. In terms of tackling maniacal demagogues, you might as well start at home.

Fifth: No! Go find the portal on your own! You can do it!

Now, I need all of you to know that The Chive is a serious news source. We do our own research, write our own articles, and Photoshop our own photos. We are NOT a part of the Stentor; we’re just hanging out here until we can afford a place of our own. You know, like what most of you will do with your parents after graduation. BURN! That’s how you get to be Editor, folks; you have to have the sickest burns.

In all seriousness, editing The Chive has been a thrill an honor for the past two years, and I’m really quite sad to be leaving. I have covered some of the most sensational stories of the decade during my time with The Chive, and I’d like to share those experiences with you.

I was the FIRST to break the story that the 1969 Moon Landing was a fake. Humans did not actually land on the moon until 1986.

It was ME who got the scoop of the century: that exercise is a myth propagated by the manufacturers of Spandex. They want you to buy those stretchy pants, shirts, and socks. I couldn’t even be upset about this one; I love leggings.

It goes without saying that I have broken quite a few political stories, including the biggest shock of the 2016 election: Bernie Sanders is actually a dirty pile of socks placed next to a microphone.  The socks are recycled, but still. I also discovered that Hillary Clinton is, without a doubt, a cyborg created by benevolent aliens attempting to save us from ourselves. Donald Trump cannot read, but I didn’t break that story. Of course, I was also the mastermind behind the Watergate break-in, but we got caught on that one. You can’t win ‘em all, kids.

We are truly in a new age of media, and I think everybody knows that. They say the written word is dead, but hey, idiot, what are you doing right now? READING THE WRITTEN WORD! That’s right! Good job with that. I’m sorry for calling you an idiot. Journalism has never been so important as it is today, which is why I am so proud to have stood at the helm of The Chive for two years. As we near nuclear war, I hope you will think fondly of the Stentor as well as The Chive and the giggles we gave you.

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