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The construction on the new science center has advanced quickly, but now the addition has been covered by a white tarp, concealing whatever is going on within. Many Foresters have resorted to their own conspiracy theories to provide answers for the phenomenon. The Chive’s mission is to produce the untold truths of Lake Forest College for its readers. So, naturally, we decided to dig into the mass of conspiracies through a survey and find the most logical answers to explain what is under the giant white covering.

The following report details the most frequent survey results:

Speculations about politics. So many. I get it. You go to the Chive section of the paper to escape the bitter reality that’s in the news, and you expect me to help you through satire and humor. Well, guess what? You turned to the wrong section, because this writer wants to talk about a construction site and all the things that could be happening under that tarp.

The Death Star. This seems logical, but I don’t think Darth Vader would want a Death Star near sand. Lord Vader doesn’t like sand.  

The best marriage proposal ever. This beats the plane writing-in-the-sky stuff for sure.  

A second sports facility. Just give more money to athletics. Who cares if there are bathrooms that frequently flood or rooms that are infested by bed bugs?

A student’s abstract art project. It’s probably made out of cardboard and will be discovered 15 years from now stuffed in the back of a closet in Durand.

A quarantine for people affected by cafeteria food. There have been an alarming amount of cases of food poisoning, allergic reactions, seizures, tooth-loss, diarrhea, and even death (a student choked and died on a piece of meat that was as dense as a rock). Naturally, the College does not want this to go public, so it created a quarantine center disguised as construction for the new science building.

A mini-building inside to be torn down for fun. Truth be told, there won’t be a new building for the sciences. The College doesn’t have enough money. Next year, the College will have to save money by cutting some clubs and the entire music department. But the football team will get new jerseys anyway.

My personal prediction is that the tarp holds a giant squirrel statue. There’s going to be an announcement made for the whole campus to stand around the science center as the tarp goes down and our new mascot is revealed: Sammy the Squirrel. Or maybe Sebastian? Sven? Shakira the Squirrel is pretty catchy. I don’t care what its name is; just having a squirrel as our mascot would be rad.

Since the structure is still standing, the true answer for what lies underneath the tarp is jet fuel, because jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.  

 

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