Chive

Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.

Flex Dollars Wanted, Pizza Bagels Needed

Posted on by Camille Lemieux
Flex Dollars Wanted, Pizza Bagels Needed

Crisis at Lake Forest College: students across campus are realizing that they’ve exhausted their Flex reserves and have zero dollars left in their accounts. This sweeping epidemic is unlike any dip in the Flex economy we’ve ever seen, with over 50 percent of students completely out of money. Maybe it was the new chili cheese fries at Boomer’s, or maybe it was the Red Bull necessary for counteracting a weekend of all-nighters and beer die….

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Looming Specter of Adult Life Closes in on Graduating Seniors

Posted on by Matthew Demirs
Looming Specter of Adult Life Closes in on Graduating Seniors

With a cigarette in her trembling hand, Daphne Jones ’17 sat on a hard, plastic cafeteria chair. Sounds of students conversing, plates clattering, drinks sloshing, ice crunching, and friends laughing surrounded Daphne, but she spoke as if she couldn’t hear a thing. I held my pen and paper in hand, expectant. Two weeks ago, I received an anonymous text that read, “Meet me in the cafeteria at 1:00 p.m., two Tuesdays from this one. Wear…

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Is That Soup or Vomit on the Sidewalk?: An Investigation

Posted on by Matthew Demirs
Is That Soup or Vomit on the Sidewalk?: An Investigation

It was a bleak and barren Sunday afternoon as I was walking to the caf to consume the nonbiodegradable paste there called “food.” As I strolled with my mid-section grumbling like the PTA, I stumbled upon a heap of chunky, viscous, and multicolored slob on the walkway behind Young Hall. “Amazing!” I said to myself as I got on my knees. “What kind of transmorphic substance is this?” The thick, yet runny, mush was an…

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Under the Construction: Secrets Only Giant White Tarps Can Hide

Posted on by Matthew Demirs
Under the Construction: Secrets Only Giant White Tarps Can Hide

The construction on the new science center has advanced quickly, but now the addition has been covered by a white tarp, concealing whatever is going on within. Many Foresters have resorted to their own conspiracy theories to provide answers for the phenomenon. The Chive’s mission is to produce the untold truths of Lake Forest College for its readers. So, naturally, we decided to dig into the mass of conspiracies through a survey and find the…

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Woman Does Her Best Amidst February Cuteness

Posted on by Matthew Demirs
Woman Does Her Best Amidst February Cuteness

This week, Cynthia Gutenberg ’19 marked her calendar for February 15, noting the date for half-priced chocolate sales. She plans to make her rounds at various North Shore Walgreens and CVS locations. She is single and staring down the barrel of February with hope. Cynthia has taken her pain to social media in hopes to seem relatable, as well as not so alone. Recently she tweeted, “So single it hurts.” It got five hearts. She…

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Alternate Timeline Swears in President Beyonce Knowles

Posted on by Matthew Demirs
Alternate Timeline Swears in President Beyonce Knowles

January 20, 2017 – a beautiful day for Americans everywhere! The talented and hardworking pop star Beyonce is sworn in as 45th President of the United States! Crowds of thousands across the US have shown their support for their new president and seem to be delighted to wake up to this new reality. In Beyonce’s America, discrimination is never acceptable, instead replaced by mutual tolerance, respect, and kindness toward each other. Even the supporters of…

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