Share

This week, Cynthia Gutenberg ’19 marked her calendar for February 15, noting the date for half-priced chocolate sales. She plans to make her rounds at various North Shore Walgreens and CVS locations. She is single and staring down the barrel of February with hope.

Cynthia has taken her pain to social media in hopes to seem relatable, as well as not so alone. Recently she tweeted, “So single it hurts.” It got five hearts. She has seen nearly every rom-com, and she is not entirely certain she will not be on the other side of a grand romantic gesture by the very attractive boy that sometimes attends her communications class. Because of this, she also frequently tweets inspirational quotes about love and pins various wedding cakes to her Pinterest board.

Her friends report that she recently sent out event invites for a “Galentine’s Day” party. The invite suggests that the party will include decorations from the dollar section of Target, pink lemonade mixed with gin, and a 40-piece from McDonald’s.

Everyone RSVP’d yes. Later on, when asked about this shindig, she stated, “I even bought a really cute banner so I can have a good Instagram on the 14th.” According to students, her Instagram is “super cute” and has a “great aesthetic,” so it can be assumed this picture will be highly regarded amongst everyone.

Upon invite from an acquaintance to watch the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, Cynthia rolled her eyes and said, “Like, I don’t support the franchise or anything, and I would say ‘ew’ if people asked about it, but yeah, I’m totally going to go.” Cynthia’s sentiments incidentally read very similar to the marketing plans for the film. She plans on watching it from bed while drinking sparkling pink Moscato.

Cynthia presents a great case study in the life of a single 21-year-old, living it up amongst those in love. Not that anyone around her would claim to be in love. Upon interviewing her two close friends who wish to not be named, they said that they have been dating for two years and that they both describe their relationships as “just a thing.” One of them remarked, “I don’t know, we’re just, like, talking. It’s nothing serious. So, I won’t get him anything for Valentine’s Day. That’d be embarrassing. Why, did he get something for me? Oh my gosh, tell me!”

After hanging out with them for a few hours, Cynthia watched one of them brush the hair away from the other’s face while asking if she wanted anything from the CyberCafe. Cynthia excused herself to go to the bathroom while she sobbed, screaming, “I just want to be loved like that. Like, I want someone to get a chocolate chip muffin for me. That’s why I wake up in the morning.” At this point, the interview concluded, due to a dire need for an Advil to treat a journalistic headache.

Cynthia is not the only single woman this February who just wants someone to ask if she wants a chocolate chip muffin—it’s a universal struggle. It is also not gender-specific. Men cite that they just want someone to get them a beer from the fridge that is just out of reach so they do not have to stand up and get it themselves. February proves again to be a month of difficulties for all. At least there is half-priced chocolate tomorrow for the Cynthias of the world.

Comments
Share.

Leave A Reply