BY EMMA ANDERSON ‘20
So, you wanna start a White Club on campus? Well, you’ve come to the right place.
Step 1: Come up with a name. It’s easy! Are you tempted to come dangerously close to sounding like a pre-existing hate group? Do it anyway! It doesn’t matter; it’s not like anything is going to happen to you. It’s just a name! Words don’t hurt! You know what? It helps to mock a pre-existing student group on campus. People love that kind of stuff.
Step 2: Decide who you want to be in the club…oh, wait. You’ve already done that. Good work! You’re way ahead of the game.
Step 3: Write a clear and concise mission statem—you know what…“manifesto” is probably a better word to use here. Write your group’s manifesto. Make sure it has a passive-aggressive undertone and that it vaguely references the discussion of “double-standards.” But be sure not to mention anything about actual cultural or racial commonalities or about a positive discussion of community and fellowship. “White” may be in the name, but we don’t want anyone to think this is just a club for white people to talk about White People Things. That would be ridiculous.
Step 4: Create a poppy, concise tagline for the group. It is of paramount importance that it is vague and even subtly threatening. Mention truth. People need to know that this group is looking for truth, because nowhere else in person or online can you find answers to questions of “double-standards.”
Step 5: Create a Facebook page. Add all your friends, especially the ones that feel discriminated against for being white. These people are in desperate need of a safe space. Tell them to bring their best questions and red hats. Make sure the header for the Facebook page vaguely matches a recent political campaign’s colors!
Step 6: Let others join in on the fun! Start a dialogue. You wanted this to happen, right? Answer questions condescendingly. Don’t let anyone tell you that your group is offensive or hurtful! That’s ridiculous. You’re not actually doing anything wrong.
Step 7: Get upset when people ask questions. How dare they! They need to calm down. The purpose of this group is to search for truth. Don’t they get that? And since when does the pursuit of truth involve asking questions? Ridiculous. It’s almost as if the idea of a white student group is upsetting to people. Don’t let this get you down; you have all the answers already.
Step 8: Things getting a little too intense? Make a new group! Change the name if you want. Nothing you did before matters—it’s like a new day! You know what they say: “Nothing stays on the Internet forever—it’ll never affect you in the future!” I bet this opposition will pass in a few short days. People who have been hurt and angered always move on quickly when race is involved.
The Chive is made up of satire. None of the content in this section reflects factual events.