Lake Forest College faculty and staff found their offices trashed and their money vaults empty when they came in to work on April 1. Employees of the College are on edge, suspicious that the students are behind this, yet too afraid to confront any of the young Foresters.
The campus was unusually quiet on the morning of April 1. Only a few students were sighted on the Middle Campus Quad, walking abnormally slow and dragging their feet along to the Mohr Student Center. Of the students spotted, dark eye circles, greasy, uncombed hair, and unwashed clothes were seen on all.
Faculty and staff have been overheard whispering their thoughts to one another on what could be the cause of the trashed offices and stolen funds. The $400,000 budget deficit discussed at College Council meetings came up a few times. Others suspected that the students’ overwhelming stress of drowning in student-loan debt might have been behind the incident.
At noontime, Professor Walker decided to voice his suspicions: “These broke college students are the ones who destroyed North and Young halls. They seem to be exhibiting zombie-like symptoms. We need to stay away from them, just in case they infect us.”
Professors of the science department were troubled by Walker’s belief that students may have turned into zombies. But they decided to bust out the scientific method and test Walker’s belief to see if it was fact or fiction. A professor of film noted that in “Zombieland” the zombies were portrayed as technically human, living creatures. The professor also pointed out that zombies’ actions don’t always immediately give away the fact that they are zombies.
Biology professors got together soon after hearing this to think of a few different ways to test whether theirstudents had indeed turned into zombies. The first test was to see if students responded to loud noises. They used Lily Reid Memorial Chapel to play loud bell music that echoed throughout the three campuses. Barely any students showed up.
A few professors went out to their cars and blasted “Turn Down For What” by Lil’ Jon in the parking lot. Within a few minutes, the parking lot between North Hall and Young Hall was full of students. It was unclear if the students were attracted to noise or not. So the professors decided to try a second
test: see if the students would respond and be drawn to light in darkness.
The professors had to wait until nighttime to do this experiment. When night fell, professors built a huge bonfire on the Middle Campus Quad. Not many students came to the bonfire at first. Then, a professor sent out an announcement saying that students could make free s’mores. A few more students showed up.
Although there were quite a few students now out on the quad near the bonfire’s light, the professors were not convinced that their students had turned into zombies. An economics professor decided to send out a student announcement as well. This e-mail read: “There’s a huge bonfire out on the quad. It’s dark out, come enjoy the fire’s light. Also, we’re running out of firewood, so we will begin to add our dollar bills to fuel the flames in a few minutes.”
Within moments, the entire campus came running to the quad to grab the bills, protesting that the professors were wasting their money. The professors were able to confirm that the students were merely sleep-deprived, broke, and a bit sloppy—not zombies.
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
