By Jon Call ‘20
Managing Editor
After numerous write-ups were given out for vaping during the Halloween ACP, a group of concerned students conducted a meeting this week to dissect Public Safety’s current write-up strategy while also predicting what future write-ups may be like.
“Nobody even predicted this tragedy would occur, especially on the biggest LFC holiday of the year,” said Conner Berrycastle ’20, a student affected by the vaping write-up. “We need to analyze this—study strategies Pub Safe uses—review the play or something.”
The meeting started with a presentation regarding Pub Safe surveillance tactics. “They’ve got cameras everywhere now,” said Cass McPhearson ’22, the one student who was sober enough to notice. “There are GoPros in the spider web, DJ stand, and Boomers, two security cameras adjacent to each other on the ceiling, and an attack drone. We don’t know where they’re getting this technology, but it’s definitely not from the school’s budget.”
The students—particularly Jordan Jamison ’20, another victim of a Pub Safe write-up—have dissected ways to predict when a write-up will occur. “We have sources who have told us that write-ups always occur when someone nearby has alcohol poisoning,” explained Jamison. “Pub Safe seems to be attracted to this, yet ignores the dying drunkard in favor of the average vaper. And it does not stop there, but in fact includes any serious crime or health risks; Pub Safe, in all cases, ignores these serious issues to write up the vaper.”
After numerous tragic stories of the oppression of the average vaper, Berrycastle decided to lead a conversation about what the write-up has the potential to transform into. “Student Government is taking too long to broadcast the potential risks for the next ACP,” said Berrycastle. “We have intel that Pub Safe is planning the worst: they plan on not giving a shit at all for a couple of ACPs, but then write up everyone when no one expects it.”
This caused a shudder to radiate through the group of students, some huffing Juul’s under desks in the anxious paranoia that somehow Pub Safe was watching them now. Berrycastle continued, saying, “We can’t do much against this, but we can be prepared. We think they’re going to expand their grounds for write-ups to include any crying sorority girls, anyone wearing a jersey, and anyone named ‘Mike Leventhal,’ so that’s practically anyone. We must adapt to survive this threat. We must survive to a hungover morning.”
As the meeting adjourned and the victims left, this reporter sat and pondered the current state of this Orwellian nightmare of a campus. Where did our freedom to vape indoors go? Why did Pub Safe lead such a sweeping assault of write-ups at our most vulnerable of times? Did they really play “Chicken Fried” at the ACP? This reporter does not know, and may never know.
Jon Call can be reached at callj@mx.lakeforest.edu.
