Fake eyes, a hairy dolphin costume, and a bag of candies and condoms—these make up the fuel for the perfect nightmare, otherwise known as The Party Porpoise. The Party Porpoise has been haunting campus and spreading its message of being safe at parties in the most terrifying way possible: by literally showing up in full dolphin costume at your front door. The only way it could be creepier is if it wore clown makeup and walked around at 2 a.m.
I started receiving messages from the Party Porpoise about a month ago. The first one I received was by email, subject-lined, “I KNOW YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETED PART TWO OF YOUR ALCOHOL EDU COURSE.” It was sent from belikebill@lfc.edu. I’ve seen that name before, on the cups that the Party Porpoise passes out. Who is Bill? And why is he on a cup? And why are these cups being passed out when people will just use them for beer? I had my questions, and I needed answers.
I started online. I looked through articles and articles of Lake Forest alumni to find just the littlest information on someone with a peculiar past named Bill. I thought, “Maybe the Lake Forester section of the Tribune has some stuff about the College that—yeah, nope, they don’t, but if you keep scrolling they have an article about a tree and—holy shit did Trump really say that? I can’t believe he— how does Kylie Jenner look like that? She’s just—awe, look at the little kitten; it’s so fluffy and—” BANG.
That was the sound of my door being hit with something. I looked down and saw a letter that was slipped under my door. I quickly opened the door and looked down the hallway, but nothing was there besides a faint and haunting, “EEEEEEEEEEE.” I picked up the letter and opened it.
Bill wants students at LFC to be safe at parties
Bill was not so safe once
Bill thought he could drink a lot because he’s half Irish
Bill didn’t know he sucked at beer pong
Bill threw up all over the girl he liked
Bill was embarrassed and became a porpoise
Bill now wallows in the pains of his mistakes in the woods
I knew where he was. I rushed outside Blackstone and ran to the trees behind Harlan. Bill had to be the Party Porpoise. He had to be here. I stepped into the forest and saw… It. The Party Porpoise. It was laying there, red solo cups spewed around on all sides. I crept up to it, and overcoming my fear, I grabbed its porpoise head and took it off. There he was. Bill, some senior covered in vomit and sucking on a straw from a beer can.
“Wait, you drink in that costume? I thought the dolphin wasn’t supposed to party…” I said.
“It’s a porpoise, man, it’s a fucking party porpoise.”
