This November, students across the country are returning to their childhood homes to celebrate Thanksgiving with their family and engage in passive-aggressive criticism. One student in particular, Erin Fresh ’20, returned home to her parent’s house in Ohio. There, Erin was greeted by her siblings, who looked disdainfully happy to see her. Upon searching for her dogs to cuddle with, she swallowed the realization that her beloved pups had forgotten about her.
Erin then encountered her mother, who made a passive-aggressive remark about the freshmen 15 and how it has “claimed another victim.” This comment sent Erin reeling; she stomped away to her childhood bedroom. She found that her room seemed the same, but something was slightly off about it. It had been rummaged for goods by her siblings.
The phone rang in her pocket and beckoned her to go out. Too tired to unpack, Erin went to the closet and retrieved a pair of jeans from high school. Erin stared down the pair of jeans, shrugged, and said with self-reassuring certainty, “They will fit. They’ll totally fit. I’m like the same size.”
The jeans did not fit. This is when Erin realized that she was, in fact, not the same size as she was in high school. The harsh realization hit her that fries were not always a good idea, and that “caf cookies” were perhaps higher in calories than expected, set in. Erin looked at her Jonas Brothers poster, jeans unbuttoned, and shame filled her eyes. Exhausted by the reality, she said, addressing the poster of the teen pop group she had once adored, “Don’t look at me!”
Shortly after stuffing the jeans in the drawer where they could no longer haunt her, Erin collapsed on her childhood bed and felt the comfort of the teddy bear that once lulled her to sleep as a child. But the sight of her prom dress in the closet taunted her. Flustered by the madness, Erin turned to her phone to let her high school squad know that she wasn’t going out. After much pleading on the part of her friends, and resentful unpacking, Erin found a pair of leggings and went out to her high school friend’s house.
Erin found herself in her best friend’s basement sipping cheap beer and staring at everyone else’s waist. When pressed about why she nearly didn’t want to come out, Erin replied by shamefully admitting her jeans no longer fit. Her friends all looked at her, and for a moment she froze, feeling defeated, before they all burst into cackles and said, “Same!”
Erin’s friend Jackie threw back some of her beer and said, “My mom actually commented on it before we even left the airport. She said, ‘You’ve certainly enjoyed yourself.’ And I about died.”
The girls all took a solemn sip and realized that gone were the days of track practice and meals made by mothers. Jackie finished her beer, set it down on the table, and said, “I wonder what could possibly cause it.” All the girls looked around at each in wonder before drinking more. They were all truly perplexed by what could cause the dreaded college weight gain. Some mentioned worries of seeing their high school boyfriends, and some wondered how many times their grandmothers would make a comment. They all sat quietly wondering and worrying about it.
Upon further exchange of anecdotes about rude relatives and even ruder jeans that wouldn’t button, Erin received a call that Jack and his buddies were joining in on the party. The group of friends all nervously awaited the arrival of the young men. The girls all chatted about how unfair it is that men have such quick metabolisms, and how they were all in such wonderful shape in high school.
They all sat in dread until the doorbell rang, and without having to say anything the girls exchanged quick looks. It was evident that the Freshmen Fifteen happens to everyone, and the reign of the boys’ fast metabolisms had ended. With that revelation, they silently toasted each other and gained the confidence to face the passive-aggressive comments the rest of their families would make until they went back to school.
