Lake Forest College
This week, Cynthia Gutenberg ’19 marked her calendar for February 15, noting the date for half-priced chocolate sales. She plans to make her rounds at various North Shore Walgreens and CVS locations. She is single and staring down the barrel of February with hope. Cynthia has taken her pain to social media in hopes to seem relatable, as well as not so alone. Recently she tweeted, “So single it hurts.” It got five hearts. She…
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The holidays are regarded as the most wonderful time of the year. If you haven’t noticed, this year has been absolute shit, so the holidays coming up are also going to be bad. Why is that? Well, let me give you a simple math problem to solve: (The political atmosphere surrounding a reunion with your extended family) + (Donald Trump winning the election) = ___________________________ Now, before you freak out, take a few deep breaths…
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Attention All Students! The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has declared Lake Forest College a quarantine zone! The CDC has released the following statement in response to an increase of bedsore-related hospital visits. “We believe that there is an unidentified pathogen affecting mostly late teen and early 20-year olds who live in close proximity to each other and eat terrible food. Due to the rapid spreading of this disease, we encourage all people…
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The semester is winding down, folks. That means a whole lot of cramming, a whole lot of coffee, and a whole lot of sleepless nights procrastinating on YouTube. It also means a whole lot of papers; papers that we’ve known about since the beginning of the year, but we haven’t had the willpower to address—like a leaky faucet or that dead goldfish floating belly up in the bowl sitting in the corner of your dorm….
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This November, students across the country are returning to their childhood homes to celebrate Thanksgiving with their family and engage in passive-aggressive criticism. One student in particular, Erin Fresh ’20, returned home to her parent’s house in Ohio. There, Erin was greeted by her siblings, who looked disdainfully happy to see her. Upon searching for her dogs to cuddle with, she swallowed the realization that her beloved pups had forgotten about her. Erin then encountered…
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It has been reported that during Halloween weekend, the corpses of America’s founding fathers were lurking around campus, moaning, “We already made America great, now shut up so we can sleep!” It was a normal Halloween weekend on campus, and everyone was getting ready for a night of party hopping because obviously, one has to make several stops before hitting the Halloween ACP. The fishnets of naughty nurse costumes were sliding on, the millennials were…
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