Freshmen orientation week was met with mixed reviews as first-years participated in activities throughout the week, which included guest speakers, ice breakers, and the Forester Guides getting turnt before every event. These reviews were examined closely by the administration, who have decided to try new orientation methods for next year’s incoming freshmen.
“All we want is to promote ‘ice-breaking’ games so the freshmen will feel more comfortable around each other,” said Dean of Students Rob Flot. “Sometimes, freshmen are a little uncomfortable associating with one another, so we decided it would be best to incorporate methods that would… force, these associations.”
Two freshmen, Tom Swift ‘20 and Taylor Hiddleston ‘20, were randomly picked to partake in the trials of these new methods.
“The first thing they did was take out these things they called ‘Bonding Bracelets,’ but they were just fuzzy handcuffs that looked exactly like my freaky ex’s,” Swift said. “They put one cuff on me and the other on Taylor, so we were practically inseparable. But I didn’t mind being cuffed to a girl like that, damn.”
The two were then observed during meals and study sessions while cuffed, but the bond between the two did not strengthen.
“It was hard doing things with one hand,” Hiddleston said. “I didn’t, like, hate [Tom], but I didn’t like him either; I was more just ambivalent towards him. He told me about his life and how this wasn’t the first time he’s been handcuffed, so I’m glad he’s been in this sort of situation before.”
After they finished tests with the Bonding Bracelets, the experimenters had Swift and Hiddleston go inside a small, padded white room with minimal air and absolutely no light. They were kept in this room for two days in complete darkness so they would establish some sort of relationship through boredom. Unfortunately, the desired results were not achieved.
“We didn’t talk a ton, and I don’t think we needed to talk. We obviously had a silent chemistry that doesn’t require words to express,” said Swift. “I could tell she was comfortable with me there just by listening to her relaxed deep breathing that was so deep that she sounded like she was snoring. We shared something in there man, something magical.”
Afterwards, they played a “Name Game” created by the experimenters, which had the participants remember and name people in the freshman class until they forgot or mispronounced someone’s name, whereby they would have their head held underwater for a period of 10 seconds.
“I didn’t finish the test because I lost consciousness in the water when I couldn’t pronounce ‘Kaloyan Parvanov’ properly,” Hiddleston said.
There are still tests being developed to force freshmen to bond together including group hole digging, gladiator matches, and First-Year Studies courses. But at least incoming freshmen will not have to worry about sitting on each other’s laps in a circle like some sort of erotic Human Centipede spinoff.
