After a grueling hour and a half search, the College has finally located a missing student—a student whose disappearance had perplexed the entire campus.
Having seemingly vanished, the student went missing from class without a trace. Lake Forest staff and students thought he was gone forever and were at a total loss regarding where he could have gone. But, sometimes, miracles happen. At Lake Forest, the impossible can always become possible.
The boy was found buried under masses of coats, gloves, and other articles of winter clothing in his 8:00 a.m. class. While the boy is still unable to communicate fully, our top detectives are confident that he must have arrived early, fallen from his desk, passed out on the floor (due to the air being as warm as blankets), and then unknowingly been forsaken by his classmates as they shed their heaps of cold weather gear.
Due to the overwhelming heat of classrooms in Young Hall, the poor boy was lost as students couldn’t wait to take off their jackets and scarves. He truly never stood a chance to be spotted, as the students walking in were in a frenzied state to cool down, lest they succumb to heat stroke at the hands of Young.
In what is being hailed as “The Greatest Survival Story of the Modern Age,” the student was able to survive for 90 minutes trapped under the apparel. He ate leftover cough drops from coat pockets, attempted to dig his way out by tunneling through the floor, and was even able to communicate with the friendly dust bunnies who shared the space with him.
Once the coats were removed via shovels (a spectacular sight), the boy was discovered clawing at the ground with his fingernails— almost complete with his escape route. The student was then carried out of the classroom by rejoicing faculty members, and he is currently in the English department where professors are trying to reteach him the common language (instead of the dust bunny language he had adopted in this desperate time).
This story must be heeded as a warning to students to, for one, never pass out on the floor of their 8:00 a.m. class, and to always make sure they’re not burying a sleeping student in winter clothing when entering a classroom that’s hotter than the actual sun.
Movie rights are apparently being disputed for his story, which is being compared to 127 Hours. The student is also set to speak before the campus about his struggle, and to inspire young minds about the fiery passion of the human spirit (just like the fiery temperatures of Young Hall). This will occur once professionals can get him associated with reality again, of course.
This is an event to be remembered for a long time here at Lake Forest College, and you’ll see me camping out to be at the front of the line for the upcoming movie rendition of this true tale.
