Hey… How’s it going LFC? I’m super excited to be back, soaking up college life, and writing for the best newspaper around.
God… isn’t the Stentor just great? We have so many different sections, tons of gifted writers—and the freedom to write about whatever we choose. Sometimes you don’t even need a topic to write about! You can just write and write until you eventually hit the word limit and call it a day! Boy, what a great way to pass the time.
Err… In case you haven’t noticed, I have completely forgotten to come up with a topic for this month’s article. But it’s cool! It’s cool! It’s gonna be fine, guys. We’ll find something to write about.
Umm… don’t you just love listing hella long words in order to take up article space? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi— that’s a scary-ass lung disease. Sesquipedalianism, that’s when you have a tendency to use long words. Talk about irony, haha…
I… I feel like I owe you all some sort of intelligible content. Uh… let’s take this on a philosophical route perhaps. What does it mean to “forget?” Can anything ever truly be forgotten? If my editor is angrily texting me right now about me “not writing my damn article,” was the article still forgotten? My incomplete article is certainly on the forefront of her mind. If a tree falls in a faraway forest, does it really make a sound?
Ok, halfway to that 500-word count… we’ve almost got an article here.
Next segment: jokes. What do you call a staff writer who totally forgot his only obligation to the Stentor? Probably fired! Haha…
This is all really setting in now… I’m gonna lose my job… how will I support myself… how will I fund my daily regimen of three quesiritos a day from Taco Bell?
I’m running out of space to explain myself. This could be my last chance to write to my beloved college before I’m canned for good. Oh lord… I have to make this count.
To my family: I’m sorry I dishonor you in this way. I know that your biggest dream was for me to become a Stentor Staff Writer, and I totally blew it. Never more shall I write for the Chive. Not after a slip up as catastrophic as this.
Screw i— this is more of a diary now, and this is gonna take a crazy turn. Brace yourselves.
I know secrets about this college that I may never get the chance to write about again. It’s Hail Mary time. OH NO, only 50 words left!
Ok, this is it. It’s time I reveal it to you all. The Stentor newspapers are tracking devices. It’s all a government plot, man. It’s a bug, man. We’re all on the grid. They’re comin’ for us, guys. You gotta stop reading the Stentor. YOU GOTTA ST—
Dean Jepsen ‘19
Staff Writer
Chive
