The Article below was published in Vol. 135, Issue 5 of the Lake Forest College Stentor on February 7, 2020
By Arielle Van Derra ’21
Staff Writer
vanderaaas@mx.lakeforest.edu
Aries
You might find yourself thinking a lot about the future this week. It may be about your own career path, or about the current political climate, or maybe just what you’re going to do this summer. Whatever it is, don’t worry so much about the minor details that you forget your ultimate goal: to defeat the lobsters.
Taurus
Love is in the air for you this week! If you have a significant other, make sure to start thinking about Valentine’s Day gifts. If you don’t, at least be content with the knowledge that you aren’t playing into a consumerist holiday that aims to capitalize on social norms.
Gemini
One of the earbuds from your favorite pair of headphones will stop working, but only one. You will spend the week wearing them as usual, hoping that they’ll start working again, but they won’t, and it will bother you more than you’ll want to admit.
Cancer
You’ll spend an entire class period not paying attention to the lecture and instead watching in awe as the person who sits in front of you unabashedly watches Vine compilations with the sound off. You both mouth the words almost unconsciously, like a prayer: road work ahead? Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does.
Leo
You won’t feel well this week. You’ll feel lethargic and irritable, and you’ll have trouble focusing in class. You might even go to health services in search of an answer, but you’ll find none. You may begin to think that you’re coming down with a serious illness, when in fact, this is actually your body’s way of begging you to eat a single vegetable.
Virgo
Someone will annoy you so deeply and viscerally this week that you will want to start planning an elaborate revenge plot. Just remember how annoying the cleanup was last time.
Libra
This Wednesday you may be overcome with a desire to leave college life behind and go start a goat farm in Montana. No one would blame you if you did.
Scorpio
You don’t believe in horoscopes and only started reading this article out of boredom. I bet you don’t even know what your star sign is. That’s pretty typical of a Scorpio.
Sagittarius
You will realize this week that you haven’t actually attended any of your classes, because the last month and a half have all been a dream. You’re in a coma in the hospital. I’ve been trying to get through to you. Please wake up.
Capricorn
You are a natural-born leader. This week, make sure to capitalize on that ability by recruiting the campus squirrels. If you befriend them now, they will favor you above everyone else when the weather turns warmer.
Aquarius
In a fit of frustration about the recent cold, this week you may be tempted to carry out an ancient sun-calling ritual you found in a book from library shelf 505.q, which only appears at 8:15 p.m. on the night of the new moon. See that you return it within five business days; other people need it.
Pisces
Absolutely nothing of note will happen to you this week. Maybe just take a nap.
