Attention All Students! The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has declared Lake Forest College a quarantine zone!
The CDC has released the following statement in response to an increase of bedsore-related hospital visits.
“We believe that there is an unidentified pathogen affecting mostly late teen and early 20-year olds who live in close proximity to each other and eat terrible food. Due to the rapid spreading of this disease, we encourage all people in the infected area to avoid physical contact with anyone and to focus on their studies.”
The CDC has closed off all access points to the school, trapping students and professors inside, and it has requested that uninfected students report immediately to the library to receive a book injection to help prevent the spread of this disease. “The book injection is by no means a cure, and truthfully, there is no cure,” the doctors say. They’re also unsure how the disease spreads, but many speculate it is via biting.
If you see any of the following symptoms in you or your friends, contact the Health and Wellness Center immediately, and do not drive or operate heavy machinery.
- Extreme laziness
- Saying that you have so much work to do but then not doing the work
- Loss of sleep
- Addiction to Facebook or other social media
- Rash
- Sweating
- Anxiety
- An increased risk of having a stroke
- Migraines
- Dead, sunken eyes
- Ability to communicate with snakes
- Unquenchable hunger for brains
If you come across one of the infected, authorities advise that you avoid him/her and stay away from his/her mouth at all cost. And, if possible, join forces with a strong-willed local sheriff who just woke up from a coma and is in search of his son, who is destined to become the de facto leader of a group of survivors even though he has no idea what’s going on, and they already have their own internal power structure that has been proven to work.
Witnesses have seen the infected wandering aimlessly around, moaning what seems to be, “Brains…brains…I need brains if I am ever going to pass this exam.” They also seem to be unhealthily thin and show no intention of moving quickly to doing anything.
Though most incidences have been seen at this campus, there are other reports coming in from other college campuses around the country of students suffering from similar symptoms.
CDC doctors say that Procrastination is a serious threat to the youth at Lake Forest College. Additionally, should it spread, it could threaten the country as a whole or even the world. If nothing is done is now, there is a chance that no one will start assignments, or that they’ll put off starting by using all of those dumb excuses no one believes, until finally, at the last minute, they’ll stress out and stay up all night doing it.
