As a single twenty- something on a college campus, the struggle to find something serious with a guy is all too #real. Where have all the good men gone?
This is what I set out to answer when all of this began, but I soon realized that I was asking the wrong question. It’s not so much where they have gone, but where they can be found. Step one: find the men. Step two: initiate contact. Step three: profit.
After careful analysis of their behaviors and migration patterns, I have managed to narrow down major locations of interest for other admirers of the male species of Lake Forest College.
At varying points throughout each day I witnessed all of my subjects going into “the men’s bathroom” for reasons unknown. One can only assume that these tiled rooms hidden away in every building serve as places to prepare for battle, perhaps mending armor, trimming beards, or the sharpening of knives.
The occasional sounds of grunting coming from within suggest feats of strength and various masculine rituals. The smell outside suggests carnage and bloodshed.
Another place guys frequent is a large grassy expanse, commonly known as Farwell Field, primarily on Saturdays. Through trial and error, I have discovered that they tend to get angry if you attempt to disrupt their ritual called “football.” They appear to use these skirmishes as a way of determining which is the dominant clan.
They may also be found in their dorm rooms, especially at night. After hiding in a pile of what appeared to be dirty laundry for the better half of three hours, a group entered the room.
They welcomed new members into their ranks through a show of flashy hand movements. When I attempted to partake in this ritual they seemed perplexed at best, inquiring where I had come from and how I had gotten in. After my initial attempt to communicate failed, I decided that I was approaching it all wrong.
At lunch time I cautiously approached a man who appeared to have gotten separated from his brethren. So as not to startle him, I held out a piece of bacon as I walked forward. He appeared confused by this action, scared even. More research is needed.
After a man has been obtained, he becomes part of a sub-species, commonly known as a “boyfriend.” Boyfriends seem to be constantly defending their girlfriends from other males entering their domain. But then the answers on maintaining said boyfriend are known to few, and remains one of life’s greatest mysteries.
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
