LAKE FOREST, IL-Upon being chastised about smoking outside the Student Center by a nameless pedestrian, Lake Forest College student Jyothis James ’16 came to the earth-shattering realization that cigarettes, in fact, are detrimental to one’s health.
“When I started smoking, I thought it was just another stimulant to add to my daily regimen. If I’m chugging down 2000% of my DV of Vitamin B6, I might as well throw some nicotine into the mix, you know?” claimed James.
Previously unaware of cigarettes’ carcinogenic properties, James had inhaled two packs of Pall Malls a week, blissful in his ignorance: “They come with a 50-cents-off sticker for your next pack. How can an honest consumer pass up a deal like that?” Unaware, that is, until a brief statement made by a Good Samaritan in a North Face jacket shook James awake.
“You know what he said to me? He said, ‘Hey man, you should really stop smoking. It causes cancer.’ All my life I had watched Fox News report on which new food caused cancer this week, but I had never once heard that cigarettes caused cancer. I didn’t know what to believe.”
Rattled by this newfound knowledge, James attempted to contemplate where he had gone wrong: “I skipped DARE in elementary school because I had better things to do. I think my next misstep was falling asleep in Dr. D’s molecular biology class. We had a couple slides on the multitude of simultaneous mutations someone needed to acquire in order to produce cancer, but I passed out. 8 AMs are rough.”
James spent the next few days wading through an existential crisis, unwilling to accept that he might die a little bit earlier than all of his loved ones. “It’s not like it’s a competition or anything, but I just want to be the last one standing. I want to scroll through my contacts in Friendship Village and know that there’s no one left to call.”
When asked about the possibility that quitting cigarettes would significantly increase his lifespan, James seemed unafraid: “I know that a significant portion of Americans now face neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer’s. But just because 1 in 3 seniors die with some sort of dementia doesn’t mean I have to be one of them. And even if I am, it’s not like you’re aware of what you’re forgetting.”
At press time, James was seen outside the Student Center, smoking a Pall Mall. “I just realized that all philosophers are chain smokers,” James said exhaling. “If you want to succeed, you’ve gotta play the part.”
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
