Recently, a team of toilet paper scientists took up residency in the Lake Forest College bathrooms. Known for doing their work with great care, they were called the Anal Analysts. And they brought with them their white lab coats, pipettes, fancy pens, and plenty of yellow-colored water. Their goal? To find out what Lake Forest’s signature half-ply toilet paper actually can do.
They began in the depths of Harlan Hall. Their first subject? The second-floor co-ed bathroom. After entering the stall’s treacherous and seemingly impenetrable blue walls, the head scientist carefully grabbed one end of the toilet paper. He stood up, exited the stall with the T.P. in hand, and declared, “This is…the worst…toilet paper we’ve ever encountered.”
The scientists erupted into cheers and in celebration of the Worst Toilet Paper Ever, they proceeded to T.P. the entire Middle Campus Quad. It wasn’t fun to clean up, but every scientist present agreed it was either their #1 or #2 top career moment. It was the crowning jewel on their porcelain throne. It was the royal flush of Midwestern toilet paper toilet research!
With their preliminary research complete, the Paper Probers got ready to get their hands dirty. But before they could get started, they heard the cries of a young girl trapped in a well. Not even remotely authorized to be on campus, the researchers didn’t have Public Safety’s phone number. Grabbing whatever they could, they sprinted out to the little-known well on Lake Forest’s campus.
Since all they had was toilet paper, they began braiding the delicate paper together into a long rope. Thanks to their quick work, the girl was safely removed from the well. When she asked what the rope was made of, the scientists replied, “Why, toilet paper, of course!” The girl laughed so hard it triggered a serious asthma attack, and she had to be taken to the hospital anyway.
After a snack of brownies and peony tea, the Analysts were ready to get some serious analysis done. For a change of scenery, they moved to the Sports Center bathrooms. The red stalls were a welcome change, but when they entered the stall, they discovered that this toilet paper was somehow…better?!?! Bamboozled, their lead scientist exclaimed, “This just won’t do! It just won’t!” He quickly stormed out muttering something about athletics funding.
On his way out of the building, he heard the familiar gurgles of someone drowning. He called his team down to the pool, and faster than ever they created a toilet paper flotation device for the drowning young man.
Satisfied with a hard day’s work, the head scientist went to use the restroom. He reached for the T.P. and didn’t leave until the roll was empty. “Ahh..,” he said, “that really doesn’t hit the spot.” The Anal Analysts left Lake Forest the next morning. They were never heard from again.
