Larry is a senior at Lake Forest College and majors in agriculture. He’s been saving up for some land to farm in Wisconsin when he graduates. Last weekend, Larry was at a party and saw this super cool chick named Samantha. Larry is a straight guy who knows what he likes. He’s gotten the same Ruben omelet ever since he was a freshman. However, he hasn’t had much luck with ladies during his four years and he knows that he needs to wife someone up fast if he wants a partner to keep him company on his farm. Otherwise he’ll be waking up at 6am everyday milking cow tits thinking, “Damn this is shitty, I really wish these were woman tits.”
Larry knows that if he’s alone on that farm squeezing cow tits everyday he’ll eventually go crazy and get turned on by the cow tits. Larry is a man with respect, so he vows to himself he will never get to that point. When he had seen Samantha at that party he immediately said to himself, “E-I-E-I-O Bingo is her name-O, time to spit my farmer game.” Larry introduced himself to Samantha and he found out she was at the party because she did not want to study for her Econ test on Monday.
Their conversation wasn’t able to blossom because one of Samantha’s friends dragged her away from Larry, and he didn’t see her the rest of the night. Larry’s lucky that he goes to Lake Forest College, because he ends up running into her in the library the following Monday. When he spots her, he immediately stops typing his thesis on corn and approaches her with the animal intentions of planting a seed in her.
Larry: Hey Samantha! How did your Econ test go?
Samantha: Fine.
Larry: Well that’s good.
Samantha: Yeah.
(Samantha and Larry go separate ways)
Larry’s farmer game is nowhere to be found. Cow tits start haunting his dreams. Luckily he runs into Samantha a few days later in the library.
Larry: Did your professor hand back your Econ test?
Samantha: Uh. No not yet.
Larry: Alright, have a nice day cow tits.
(Larry has a classic Freudian slip and freezes so bad that he just walks away, fleeing from the scene.)
Larry feels awful the rest of the day. He’s not only convinced that he messed up his chances with Samantha, but he knows he’s doomed to milk cow tits the rest of his life. Psychologically, he starts preparing to have sex with a cow. The worst part about this situation is that Samantha has the largest rack in the school. After his epic mishap in the library, he miraculously hasn’t run into Samantha for about two weeks.
However, their paths meet again during Larry’s Soup and Stories. While Larry is giving a talk about why he wants to be a farmer, he notices one of the students slurpin’ on soup was Samantha. He immediately shifts topics in his talk from corn to cow tits, and ends up making the biggest comeback in spitting game history.
Larry: No matter how much I love farming corn, I’m worried about being a lonely farmer. I can’t kiss corn before I go to bed. Corn can’t say I love you. I know I’m going to buy some land after college and be a farmer for the rest of my life, but I don’t want the only action I’m getting on my farm to be from milking cow tits. (Looks directly at Samantha). I called you cow tits in the library a couple weeks ago because I was afraid of milking cow tits, not because you have cow tits. I know I probably ruined my chances with you, but I would hate myself if I didn’t try to make things right between us. So what do you say? Will yuh give this ol’ corn farmer another shot?
Samantha: Larry, I demand that you supply me with your seed. You calling me cow tits was a sunk cost, but you’ve just now shown me your elasticity and willingness to change. With my Econ skills and your farm skills…I think we have no ceiling (throws soup on the floor, runs over to Larry and kisses him).
The moral of this story is “you never know.” Larry could have just kept talking about corn and given up on wifing Samantha, but he made a HUGE power move by switching his topic to cow tits, leading to his realization that Samantha is just as weird and socially awkward as he is, if not more. You never know until you take a chance, people. And for those who took a chance and read this entire article, I say to you: “Cherish your partner or any romantic relationship you may have, because as ridiculous as this article is, there is probably some dude on this planet who’s into cows and would much rather be getting freaky with a human.”
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
