As Halloween approaches and a clown epidemic sweeps through the nation, it seems that there is evil afoot. Even here, at our wonderful college in Lake Forest, Illinois, we are not spared from the eeriness of October and the oddities she brings.
As many are aware, the new science center construction has been broadcast via a live feed for the whole school to see. This allows us to document the great progress being made and to watch our new building come to life from the ground up, piece by piece.
However, cameras don’t discriminate in what they capture. It seems that the occasional rogue Boomer or drunken college student aren’t the only things that the construction camera has picked up.
At precisely 3:21 a.m. today, students enjoying a bumpin’ viewing party of the live stream noticed something strange slither across the ground. After rewinding the footage over and over again, the image became unmistakable. It was a sludge monster.
The creature was purple, gelatinous, and seemed to be aimlessly splashing around the construction site. Footage even captured an amazing moment when the creature tried to operate the unmanned bulldozer. If the monster was actually an undiscovered species, it certainly had an unmatched intelligence level, as it played around with the construction equipment masterfully and even flipped off the camera a bunch of times.
This is why I took it upon myself to interview the creature. I felt like we had a lot to learn from him.
I invited the monster to come and meet me in the new Starbucks, which essentially resulted in us having the place to ourselves as his body mass took up most of the restaurant space and caused all of the guests to run away screaming. I started off with some basic questions.
Dean: “What’s your name, man?”
Creature: “Squiblosquidsho, but you can call me Lil’ Jelly.”
Dean: “Cool. How did you find your way to Lake Forest, Lil’ Jelly?”
Lil’ Jelly: “My spaceship crash-landed in the ravine, and I figured I’d see what all the Homecoming hype was about. I saw some dope construction equipment sittin’ around and I decided to go play with it”.
Dean: “You can’t just do that, dude, that’s gonna be our new science center! We need that stuff in working condition; you can’t be gumming up the works!”
Lil’ Jelly: “I do what I want! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a giant-ass sludge monster. I don’t even have a mouth, dude. I’m talking to you through my mind. I can mess you up.”
Dean: “Please, Lil’ Jelly, teach me the ways of your people. Humankind is no longer alone in the universe!”
Lil’ Jelly: “You’re so lame kid. Forget this, man, I’m fixing my ship and headed to another planet. Peace.”
I thought the interview went well, and I’m thrilled for when he makes his inevitable return to our planet.
