For many years, I have trusted the Illuminati to guide our nation and our world. I have fully put my faith in the all-seeing eye of the Illuminati, and on Tuesday, November 8, it let me down. What the HELL, Illuminati? Did you lose control? Is this part of your plan for the end of days? If Donald Trump is a member of the Illuminati, I will be very disappointed. How can an organization run by Beyonce allow a man like Donald Trump to take the presidency? I know Hillary was a bit bland, but she was already a part of the organization! How could this have happened?
Before the election, I truly believed the Illuminati was growing stronger with each passing day, and, honestly, my faith has been shaken to its core. Now I understand that the Illuminati has allowed questionable people into its ranks in the past (ahem, Justin Bieber), but this is really going too far.
I believe there has been a massive struggle within the Illuminati and that confusion has allowed Donald Trump to infiltrate the ranks. There is no way a group including Rihanna, Jim Carrey, and Will Smith wants to hang out with Donald “grab her by the pussy” Trump. I cannot imagine how awkward the first meeting of 2017 will be. Jay-Z has worked too hard, turning JonBenet Ramsey into Katy Perry, to have his organization overturned by a racist homophobe with small hands.
I fear that Donald Trump, in typical fashion, will reveal the secrets of the Illuminati, putting all of us in danger. Not only does Trump not understand the economy, immigration, and basic human decency, but now he’s going to spread lies about one of America’s oldest and most important groups: the Illuminati.
I can only hope that our alien overlords will see the trouble their surrogates on this planet are having and will return to save us from a Trump presidency. Or that the lizard people will reveal themselves and start the New World Order. Or that the Illuminati will seize control of the Electoral College and give us the President that the majority of Americans voted for. Or that I will slip into a coma until Michelle Obama’s inauguration.
If the Illuminati sees this (I know they will): call me. I have some ideas moving forward.
