The holidays are regarded as the most wonderful time of the year. If you haven’t noticed, this year has been absolute shit, so the holidays coming up are also going to be bad. Why is that? Well, let me give you a simple math problem to solve:
(The political atmosphere surrounding a reunion with your extended family) + (Donald Trump winning the election) = ___________________________
Now, before you freak out, take a few deep breaths and listen, because I’ve got some tips to help you get through this (tips do not include murdering family members).
Always think of something missing from a family dinner so you have an excuse to go get it. When the gathering becomes heated, look for something missing from the meal that you can go get at the store, even if it’s a tiny bottle of hot sauce.
Booze is NOT your friend. Alcohol and politics don’t mix, especially at a family gathering where everyone is already on each other’s toes. Watch how much wine your grandma’s drinking, because that can get ugly.
Reminisce about Bernie to diffuse the tension. Talking about Bernie is the equivalent of showing cat videos to your family.
If a political conversation gets heated, try to expand it to a ridiculous point. When your uncle brings up Hillary’s emails, tell him that she’s really a part of an ancient species of shape-shifting lizard people.
If you can, make sure your table is big enough so that people can’t reach across it and strangle anyone. Just a simple precaution.
Now, for the more courageous and risky people out there who would rather make a statement than control the tense environment:
Donate to Planned Parenthood in your pro-life uncle’s name and give the receipt to him as a Christmas present. You can thank John Oliver for that suggestion.
Make sure your racist grandpa doesn’t get a word in at the dinner table by messing with his daily pill counter so that he’s a little more sedated than usual. I know this is evil, but it’s still better than the alternative.
Build a wall out of mashed potatoes around your Trump-supporting aunt. Then tell her she has to be the one who eats it all.
Vomit loudly and vigorously whenever a family member says “all lives matter,” “lock her up,” or “climate change isn’t real.” It’s like the drinking games that were going on during the debates, with voluntary streams of vomit instead.
Have the children demonstrate to the family how to grab the turkey by the pussy. Then have them say they did it because it was a “nasty turkey.”
Use these tips wisely and know that the nightmare will end soon. You’ll wake up to the 10-page essays, late-night classes, and all those weekends that you just can’t remember.
