If you are affiliated with Lake Forest College in any way and haven’t heard of Harvey Cain (aka the old dude who rode his bike 3,000 miles from Sacramento, California to Lake Forest College to raise hella money for student scholarships), then you should slap yo’self in the face with a Ruben sandwich.
Nah, don’t do that. Ruben’s sandwiches are too beautiful to hit yo ugly face (to those it may concern: Like, I’ve never seen your face, but if you are affiliated with Lake Forest and haven’t heard of this dude, that’s gross, you’re disgusting, look at yo’self in the mirror and ask yo’self: “Why can’t I make the effort to learn basic shit about my community?”).
I’m sorry to all the beautiful faces of Lake Forest College that had to read that, but I digress (I don’t murda grass homie, all I do is get back on topic homie!), so just to keep the record straight or gay….dammit I’ll just say fluid (ain’t tryna brawl with the librawls) – this dude Harvey, was born on LFC’s campus at the college’s former Alice Hall Hospital.
Also, literally his entire family went here (Mom, Dad, and his two sisters), and extended family lived down the block on Illinois Road in Lake Forest. For all my blood sniffers: can you say blood-lines!!! Say Hello to my Forest friend!!! (Scarface Voice)
Ruben’s sandwiches are too beautiful to hit yo ugly face (to those it may concern: Like, I’ve never seen your face, but if you are affiliated with Lake Forest and haven’t heard of this dude, that’s gross, you’re disgusting, look at yo’self in the mirror and ask yo’self: “Why can’t I make the effort to learn basic shit about my community?”). I’m sorry to all the beautiful faces of Lake Forest College that had to read that, but I di-grass (I don’t murda grass homie, all I do is get back on topic homie!), so just to keep the record straight or gay….dammit I’ll just say fluid (ain’t tryna brawl with the librawls) – this dude Harvey, was born on LFC’s campus at the college’s former Alice Hall Hospital. Also, literally his entire family went here (Mom, Dad, and his two sisters), and extended family lived down the block on Illinois Road in Lake Forest. For all my blood sniffers: can you say blood-lines!!! Say Hello to my Forest friend!!! (Scarface Voice)
Let me get back on that topic like it’s hot (where my teenage girls at??) – Lake Forest College was so dumbfounded by Harvey successfully completing the 3,000 mile trip, that they decided to use all the money Harvey helped raise to fund an interview with Harvey being interviewed by Tom Hanks’ socially challenged rapper of a son, Chet Hanks to play Forest Gump.
In the history of “random, unnecessarily long, trips that required stupid amounts of physical excursion, that caused people to rally around” the two BIGGEST GIANTS of the game sat down to have a little fireside chat. Here is how that lil’ conversation went…
Forest Gump: Wuddup Lebron! My names Michael Jordan and I’m here to interview you. You randomly biked 3,000 miles, and I randomly ran 15,248 miles. Just sayin’.
Harvey Cain: Huh? Why am I LeBron and you’re Michael Jordan? And, I didn’t just spontaneously decide to bike 3,000 miles one day like you did with your run. I was doing it to raise scholarship money for my alma mater!
Forest Gump: Don’t try to justify your random urge to do stupid crazy physical journeys. And I’m just tryna let you know that if there was a National Stupid Crazy Physical Journey Association (NSCPJA), then I’d be the MJ of that shyt and you’d be a baldin’ Bron-Bron. 3,000 miles on a bike. Hah! that’s cute. Also, yuh school used the money you raised to fund this interview. Sorry bout those scholarships, but it costs a lot of Tom Dolla $igns to get Tom Hank’s son to act as Forest Gump for an interview.
Harvey Cain: Why so much animosity, Forest? If anyone has any reason to be angry, it’s me. I thought I rode 3,000 miles on a bike for education, but instead the money went toward an interview with an Angsty Forest Gump.
Forest Gump: I’m sorry, its just I got this bitter taste in my mouf. Yuh see I don’t like the taste of the Cool- Aid yuh sellin’. The shuga in it ain’t sweet, Cain. I’m not found of people who think they can cop my swag and get away with it. Especially, people who represent what you represent.
Harvey Cain: Cop? Swag? I graduated in 52’, I’m not catchin’ your drift, slick. And, I represent the Foresters until the day I die. I’ll ride or die for my Foresters, so if you’re talkin’ jive about what I represent we my have a problemo, because I raised a lot of money for my Foresters and if its going toward this interview, I better see some respect.
Forest Gump: Well I’m surprised you didn’t put on a sweater. It seems like you did catch a pretty big drift. I am throwin’ you some shade. Hella shade. I’m calling you out. Your 3,000-mile bike trip was a failed attempt to try to match my greatness. You biked not 1, not 2, but 3, you only biked 3,000 miles Harvey. I ran 15,428 miles. I’m the GOAT at this shyt.
Harvey Cain: I guess I see the correlation between our journeys, Forest, but mine is different because I was trying to raise money for education.
Forest Gump: What does biking 3,000 miles have to do with education? I’m sure it was just an excuse to bike through a lot of stupid forests.
Harvey Cain: I mean if we’re going to undermine the power of symbolism like this, then what the hell do chocolates have to do with life?
Forest Gump: It’s a beautiful metaphor, homie!!! I know you studied biology at Lake Forest, but c’mon. Read up on some literature. Get your head out of the forest.
Harvey Cain: Hahaha. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Gump. Gump. Gump. Gump. Why read literature these days, Gump? Why read “The Hunger Games” when you can watch the movie on Netflix? I mean didn’t you love Jenny-fer Lawrence in that movie?
Forest Gump: You betta watch yo’self now! That’s my child’s mother’s name you got in your mouf.
Harvey Cain: C’mon Forest. You come here. To my college – my forest – and interview me. Disrespect me. Run your little forest mouth. I mean I don’t here Jenny anywhere tellin’ you to run [Dramatic Pause], your mouth. She’s dead. So why you talkin’ jive Gump? Huh?
Forest Gump: I don’t like what you stand for Harvey! Or, at least half of what you stand for, to be more specific…
Harvey Cain: What I stand for? You mean Lake Forest?
Forest Gump: I’m fine with you representing Lakes, Harvey….but….
Harvey Cain: I don’t think I follow you, Gump. So, you’re fine with me representing lakes??? But, you don’t like that I represent forests??? You got some sorta weird vendetta toward forests? That doesn’t make any sense. Your name is Forest.
Forest Gump: Nah, Harvey. My name’s Forest Gump.
Harvey Cain: Wait…So, what does Gump mean?
Forest Gump: Gump is a noun that means: a foolish or stupid person. I think Foresters are stupid and foolish, Harvey. I also, find it a little ironic that the ultimate Forester – you—decided to cop my swag. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Harvey Cain: Well, I’m sure nothing sits well with you. You got shot in the buttocks. Hahahah. [awkward silence]
Forest Gump: I’d except a stupid joke like that from the stupidest forestiest person to come out Lake Forest College.
Harvey Cain: You just grinded my last bicycle gear Forest! [uses a Rueben sandwich to spike a ping pong ball in Forest Gump’s mouth]If I ever hear you run your little Forest mouth about Foresters again, I’m just gunna bring out the Bear, us foresters like to call him Boomer. His butthole is going to boom all over yuh, yeah that’s right; he’ll take a niceeeeeee big bear dump on you. It’ll look like chocolate, but it’s not. And its going to hurt more than the multiple dumps Jenny took on you.
Please donate to Harvey’s fund at: https:// www.lakeforest.edu/ giving/harveysride.php.
Disclaimer: Harvey gave permission for this article. All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
