Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, and as many of us know, it is a holiday where you will either cherish a special loved one like you should have been doing all year round or sob in the showers about your eternal loneliness.
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Let’s be real, if you are getting a gift on campus, you should be lucky if that “special someone” gets you a P.O.D. bought heart shaped candy box. It is not unusual that some students on campus view the holiday as a plot to generate consumerism. “It’s just a hallmark holiday that reminds me that I’m single… and I’ll die alone…and no one loves me,” said Samantha Mangiaracina ’18.
According to CNN’s “Valentine’s Day, bythe numbers,” 18.6 billion is the total spending that will be reached by Valentine’s Day. These tips are for all you people out there who aren’t getting a single dime spent on you on the 14th of February. Here are my tips to help deal with being forever alone:
1) Don’t cry in the shower where everyone can hear you, cry on the inside like a champ.
2) Don’t advertise yourself on YikYak for companionship; the night will only end in regret, and another person to avoid on this ever so small campus.
3) I revise my second point: avoid social media at all cost, because if you’re not prepared for the anniversary dates and heart shaped collages, it’s going to be a sad and long scroll. If you follow me on social media I warn you, it will get sappy, paragraphs and hearts to the nines.
4) Use your flex to buy some “quality” chocolate because at the end of the day, you’re gaining the same weight and acne regardless of whom it came from.
5) Finally, watch Netflix. We all should know by now this is the holy grail of escaping reality: watch Russia’s Toughest Prisons, where the most romantic thing you will see is murderers and cannibals bent at the waist, blindfolded, and handcuffed, because there is not any love happening in those cells you want in your life (or maybe you do, kinky readers out there).
At the end of the day if not one of the 224 millions of roses grown for that day crosses your path, know it would have died anyways, and life will still go on.
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
