The semester is winding down, folks. That means a whole lot of cramming, a whole lot of coffee, and a whole lot of sleepless nights procrastinating on YouTube. It also means a whole lot of papers; papers that we’ve known about since the beginning of the year, but we haven’t had the willpower to address—like a leaky faucet or that dead goldfish floating belly up in the bowl sitting in the corner of your dorm.
These papers are responsible for the blood, sweat, and tears that students are forced to expel at the end of every term. So, when we hear our professors trying to complain about having to grade the papers that THEY assigned, it’s easy to get a little flustered. We don’t want ’em either, guys. Like c’mon. Don’t do this to us—you brought it on yourselves.
The fabulous Stentor statisticians helped to collect some data around campus. Information is now flooding in, revealing that empathy for professors’ complaints about grading papers is at an all-time low. As students, we could not care less. We’re too busy sobbing into our MacBooks and chugging Redbull until our tiny hearts give out from too much caffeine and dehydration.
We found the percentage of students who sympathize with professors to be 0%. Like nada. Zip. Not a single solitary student. Not even the teacher’s pet in your class who should consider kissing ass as a day-job. It’s just impossible to feel bad for the teachers who have made you question whether you should drop out of college and become a full-time dog-walker or food blogger for a career.
However, we don’t want to just shit on our professors, because sometimes they do come in clutch. Our polls have projected that support for professors would climb to percentages which we haven’t seen in years if they could just bump some of our Ds to As, cancel some 8:00 a.m.s when they know we had a late night of video games and McDonald’s, and host class outside when we wanna feel like sixth graders again.
It would also be chill if professors could just please, PLEASE stop adding 15-page essays to the syllabus because they ran out of homework ideas…that would really help bridge the gap.
Imagine what college life could be like if students and professors were at peace… we’d walk together to class, share funny videos with each other, and maybe even go out for breakfast after mutually zoning out during a boring morning lecture. It could be a utopia.
But this will never happen unless the bullshit ends. End the masochism. Stop subjecting us to torture with papers that make absolutely no sense and forcing yourself to have to read our hot-messes of essays.
We’re all just so tired. I’m so poor and exhausted. End the papers and we can all just sleep. We’re begging.
