Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
Listen up, y’all. This is gonna be a long one. It’s me, your good ol’ Chive Editor. This is my last issue, and I have some stuff to get off my chest. I have secrets I’ve been keeping for YEARS, and y’all are gonna hear ‘em. First: Young Hall has a portal to hell in the basement. Second: Greek Life is a subset of the Illuminati. That’s why people are so eager to join. Beyoncé,…
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Dean Jepsen reporting, bringing you a Chive special interview with the campus’s bravest student. We all know the feeling of being called on during a lecture, in the middle of a kickass daydream, right in that sweet spot between sleep and consciousness. We all know that surge of adrenaline you get when you’re sucked back into reality after spacing out for a solid 15 minutes, thinking about puppies and cotton candy, forced to face your…
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The weight room feels like you stepped off the Metra in a neighborhood you shouldn’t be in. It can be quite intimidating lifting 15-pound dumbbells next to a guy who is lifting the entire rack of weights with his foot as he cranks out 40 chin-ups. But how intimidating are these people, in reality? I went around the gym looking for someone to give me some answers, and after encountering a guy listening to Nordic…
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Donald Trump was sitting in the oval office when he heard the familiar chug of his HP Officejet Pro 8610 printer. He was befuddled, as he hadn’t pressed the little blue “print” button on his laptop like his assistant had taught him last week. Still sitting in his wheelie chair, he shuffled over to the printer. A single paper had been produced. It said: “your Pop-Tarts are burning.” The mysteriously omnipotent printer was right! Trump,…
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Crisis at Lake Forest College: students across campus are realizing that they’ve exhausted their Flex reserves and have zero dollars left in their accounts. This sweeping epidemic is unlike any dip in the Flex economy we’ve ever seen, with over 50 percent of students completely out of money. Maybe it was the new chili cheese fries at Boomer’s, or maybe it was the Red Bull necessary for counteracting a weekend of all-nighters and beer die….
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With a cigarette in her trembling hand, Daphne Jones ’17 sat on a hard, plastic cafeteria chair. Sounds of students conversing, plates clattering, drinks sloshing, ice crunching, and friends laughing surrounded Daphne, but she spoke as if she couldn’t hear a thing. I held my pen and paper in hand, expectant. Two weeks ago, I received an anonymous text that read, “Meet me in the cafeteria at 1:00 p.m., two Tuesdays from this one. Wear…
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