Chive – Page 15 – the Stentor

Student Prays for the Sweet Release of Death After a Long Night of Drinking

Posted on March 24, 2016March 24, 2016 by Jack Loessberg

LAKE FOREST, IL— This morning, after a heroic battle against the worst f@*%ing hangover of his life, Alan Goodman ’17 has lost the will to live. Goodman spent last night celebrating his twenty-first birthday at the Lantern with enough alcohol to take down a bull elephant. The group left campus at around 10:30 p.m. and walked to the venue. What started out as a fun night out quickly got out of hand when someone took…

The Wood Lounge

Posted on March 24, 2016March 24, 2016 by Jack Loessberg

In 1962, Lake Forest College students Roof Cecil 64’ (the coolest/slickest kid in the school) and Latchkey Lisping Lenard 63’ (his awkward lisping best friend) were in the library and came across the endeared Lake Forest College poem, “Wood You Lounge With Me?” written by Alexander Cunnings, class of 1869. Latchkey Lisping Lenard (aka 3L’s) read the poem out loud to Roof Cecil (aka R.C). 3L’s: “Wood you lounge withhh me? Wood you pal…

Lake Forest College Embarrassed by Lightweight Drinkers at Winter Formal

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Jack Loessberg

The College has issued a statement of apology to its fellow party schools, attempting to explain the poor display of alcohol tolerance at last weekend’s Winter Formal. After complaints from Venue Six10 custodian staff about the volume of vomit, discouraged administrators felt the need to address this breach of college etiquette. Lake Forest College has a proud history of riotous behavior due to excessive alcoholic consumption, but this last weekend’s turn of events tarnished Lake…

Texan Student Terrified of Snow

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Jack Loessberg

Chinophobia: the crippling fear of frozen precipitation. While this word may not mean a whole lot to the average Illinoisan, it means everything to one special forester here on our campus in winter. Today, we tackle a story of fear and loss. Bruce Holtman is a freshman here on campus, hailing from Arlington, Texas. Like all eager young souls ready to begin their journey here at Lake Forest College, he arrived for New Student Orientation…

Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 9, 2016February 13, 2016 by Camille Lemieux

Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us–hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband, hide your heart, and, most importantly, hide your wallet. They’re coming. Last year I just barely escaped the smothering sticky sweet smell that seems to foretell the impending doom of this holiday. This year I’m fortifying my ramparts. “My manager told me that every year we’re mobbed by anxious husbands and boyfriends in crazed frenzies and on the brink of emotional meltdowns….

A Letter to Rain

Posted on February 9, 2016February 13, 2016 by Camille Lemieux

Dear Rain, You ran train today rain, you wasn’t pourin’ dat liquid like a little girl’s lemonade, stand, you wasn’t on dat once ary hour, youse was pourin’ all day from beginning to, ay- nd, use was on dat long ass shower, Y’all know what I’m talkin’ bout, Dem showers when use was a teenager and yuh moms was yelling, “Hey you’re usin’ up all dat hot wata, your sista has a date wit da hottest/richest…

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