Health and Wellness Staff
@lfchealthandwellness
Editor’s Note: Send any questions to the @lfchealthandwellness Instagram account via direct message. All questions will remain anonymous.
Disclaimer: This column does not constitute medical advice and should not be used as a substitute for mental health treatment. If you have a specific concern or situation that requires help, you should always consult with a professional mental health therapist.
Dear Therapist,
Since middle school, I’ve been feeling constant pressure to get perfect grades from my mom. I thought this would change when I left for college, but the pressure from her seems to have gotten worse. Also, when I go home for the holidays and she sees me sitting on the couch or relaxing for a few minutes, she nags me to do something productive with my time. She makes me feel like I’m lazy, even though I know that I’m doing a lot. How do I explain to her how much I do at school, and how do I get her to stop nagging me?
-Stressed Out First Year
Dear Stressed Out First Year,
I’m glad you reached out. You have every right to feel that you are being unfairly nagged and stressed.
It may help to sit down and write out how you feel, so that the next time you speak to your mother, you can calmly tell her. Before you speak to her, it may help to remember that she probably thinks she’s doing her job as a parent by pushing you to achieve academically. You can even ask her about her reasons for pressuring you so much, to help both of you come to a place of better understanding together. She may not know how to communicate that she loves you and is proud of you, due to not having received this kind of communication when she was young. Unfortunately, you are now being unfairly tasked with the burden of breaking this pattern. When you talk to your mother, don’t try to list all of the things you are doing to prove yourself to her. Instead, try to explain how her focus on grades and productivity makes you feel (i.e. stressed out, disappointing to her).
It’s great that you’re recognizing these patterns and how they affect you, rather than suppressing them. In childhood, we usually learn to adapt to our parents’ expectations of us, even if they are not stated out loud. Often, we ignore our own feelings and needs to try to win their love and approval. The more we adapt to rigid parental expectations, the harder it can be to identify our authentic emotions and needs when we go off to college and figure out who we want to be as adults. This is why it’s so important to identify our feelings and to practice communicating them to others. It’s also essential to remember that when we communicate our feelings to others, they might not be ready or able to listen. Journaling and going to therapy are great tools to help us identify how we feel and practice communicating these feelings to the significant people in our lives. Over time, this will get easier and lead to a better sense of who we are, rather than who our parents want us to be.
-Therapist