The Article below was published in Vol. 136, Issue 5 of the Lake Forest College Stentor on February 19, 2021.
By Health and Wellness Center Staff
Here we are again.
That sentence has so many possible meanings at the moment. For some, it means being back on campus. For others, it means yet another semester remote. But even before COVID-19, that sentence could mean trouble. So often, we find ourselves locked in cycles, seemingly facing the same frustrations or failures time and time again. “Here we are again—another breakup.” “Here we are again—another missed deadline.” “Here we are again—another argument, same as the last one.”
It’s the next sentence that makes all the difference. “Here we are again”…but then what? For so many of us, the next sentence is self-recrimination and self-criticism: “I !@#$ed up again.” “I’m an idiot.” “I don’t deserve to be here.” And a variety of other statements that we think will motivate us to do better, but actually only motivate us to feel worse. And here’s the massive problem: We equate the two. We think that feeling worse will punish us just enough for us to do better next time. Despite the fact that it never works that way. Because that’s why it becomes a cycle. That’s why “Here we are again” becomes a thing. We think that if we make ourselves feel bad enough, we’ll change. So we do it. We judge, we criticize, we doubt. Which leaves us feeling worse. Less confident, less compassionate. It leaves us feeling exhausted, disillusioned, and hopeless. And that’s not the mood to be in to expect any positive change. So…we don’t. We don’t change. We do the same thing, over and over again, each time our resentment at ourselves growing. Here we are again…and again…and again.
So, what’s the solution?
Change the next sentence, the one that comes after “Here we are again.” If “I don’t deserve to be here” has the potential to sentence us to a shame spiral and an endless cycle of regret, then “I can do better next time” opens up new options and new possibilities for the future. If “I’m an idiot” leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and unmotivated to change, then “I didn’t like the way this turned out, maybe I’ll try something different next time” leaves us feeling supported and energized for change.
And it’s not as hard as it seems. For most of us, that shift is merely the shift away from the things we tell ourselves, alone and in the dark, and toward the things that we say to our friends and loved ones. Usually, we reserve those negative statements and verbal attacks for ourselves, despite having a stock of pep talks, supportive statements, and loving words for others. The shift is generally started with the question, “Would I say this to someone I love?” If not, then don’t say it to yourself. Because, and I know I’m going to lose a few of you with this sentence because it sounds so self-helpy: You should be someone you love. And treat yourself with the same care you treat others.
So, here we are again.
What’s your next sentence?
