The following is a transcript of an interview with the raccoons of Lake Forest conducted in August of 2016.
ANDERSON: They’re new. They’re exciting. They’re smelly. You’ve never met a family like them. Discovered by Lake Forest Associate Professor Ben Goluboff while on one of his nighttime bird-watching stints, they’re the subjects of a new reality show coming to a little-known Lake Forest TV channel. Its name? Rummaging with the Raccoons. We are joined today by Napkin, Lemon Rind, Coke Can, Jerry, and—you may know her as the Trash Queen—Gum! So, Mrs. Trash Queen, you are the matriarch—
GUM: Please, call me Gum.
ANDERSON: Oh yes, of course…Gum. Now, tell us: how does it feel to be on the cusp of fame?
GUM: Well, you know, Emma, I grew up in a trashcan. We couldn’t afford a Dumpster, so I grew up rather modestly. And after the passing of my first husband, Rotten Banana, it’s been rather hard on us. So we’re hoping the show will give us a fresh start.
ANDERSON: I see…and four of your 17 children are here with us today…Coke Can, Napkin—
NAPKIN: I was named after the napkin my parents shared when they first met at the Dumpster behind the Student Center.
ANDERSON: That’s…that’s nice. But what I really wanted to ask is how you girls have felt about all the cameras being around…any thoughts, Coke Can?
COKE CAN: It’s been rather strenuous, I’d say. I’ve given three cameramen rabies… my thoughts are with their families during this difficult time.
ANDERSON: How unfortunate…Jerry, as the only son, what are you looking to get out of this experience?
Jerry: Um, I started a sock line. It’s called “Garbage.” So I’m really looking to establish some clout in the sock industry.
ANDERSON: Fascinating! I do love a good sock…Lemon Rind, what would you say is your favorite part of living on Lake Forest’s campus?
LEMON RIND: Well, Emma, as you may know, I am a strong environmentalist. Basically, I eat the trash so that you don’t have to. And I must say, the amount of food-based waste at this school is positively astounding. I actually have a five-point plan written up. It’s on the side of Harlan, written out in coffee grounds and ketchup…first I’d start with eliminat—
It was at this point that all the microphones cut out and the cameras stopped rolling. An Aramark van was seen speeding away from the scene moments after the abrupt conclusion of this interview. You can catch Rummaging with the Raccoons on Lake Forest TV every Thursday night at 8 p.m. CST.
