January 20, 2017 – a beautiful day for Americans everywhere! The talented and hardworking pop star Beyonce is sworn in as 45th President of the United States! Crowds of thousands across the US have shown their support for their new president and seem to be delighted to wake up to this new reality. In Beyonce’s America, discrimination is never acceptable, instead replaced by mutual tolerance, respect, and kindness toward each other.
Even the supporters of Queen Bey’s opponent are happy to see our new POTUS, because who can really be unhappy with a president who is a star? “From now on, life will be a party,” says Ionel Soricel ’20, mentioning how excited he is for his new president’s public appearances. Long gone are the days of boring press conferences—say hello to (free!) concerts everyone! No more long speeches, no more bland garb—only music, and dance, and art!
“Finally, a world where it is unacceptable to be hateful toward your neighbors, family members with rainbow mustaches, your classmates, and anyone else! Also … If I Were A Boy played in all supermarkets, restaurants and coffee shops—what else can one want?” said Jorica Soricica ’10 when asked what she finds most exciting in the idea of having Beyonce as president.
It is important for this nation to understand how fortunate it is that its president doesn’t look like a wilted carrot that used the wrong shade of foundation. It is equally important to realize that the face that will represent this nation both within the country as well as abroad has manners, common sense, and a good haircut. Although seemingly small things, they are important for the following reason: if the president decides to follow Kim Jong-Un’s haircut law and enforces that all citizens get the same exact haircut, we will now have a nation of wonderfully good-looking people. The common sense and the manners are imperative, so that the president can communicate with both people who have manners and with people who don’t. In the case of the aforementioned sad wilted carrot, the 50 percent of people who do not belong in the same category with him will have difficulties understanding him and relating to him. That is, the intelligent people will have no idea what is going on in his head and will have trouble relating to him.
Today at noon, instead of a speech, the newly sworn-in president will have a concert as her inaugural address. Everyone is excited; everyone is happy.
“I, Beyonce Knowles, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend this country against racism, sexism, laziness, poor fashion, and poor haircuts. I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion.”
And so, January 20, 2017 was a wonderful day in this alternate universe. Unfortunately for us, though, we do not and never will live in that universe. So run to the closest Walgreens and find the worst-matching foundation possible, just in case the carrot forces everyone to follow his skincare routine.
