The Article below was published in Vol. 136, Issue 8 of the Lake Forest College Stentor on April 30, 2021.
By Health and Wellness Center Staff
Trigger Warning: This article contains statements about sexual assault, rape culture, interpersonal violence, sexual harassment, and stalking.
Sexual Assault Awareness Month should be every month. Change my mind.
I get why we have awareness months and I totally support them. We need that reminder to give special attention to certain topics and issues. But I sometimes fear that we silo that awareness in only that month and then forget about it for the other eleven.
So, as this issue comes out on April 30, let’s pledge to make May also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Let’s pledge to talk about the importance of ongoing and enthusiastic consent in June, too. And discuss the role that patriarchy and rape culture play a role in the proliferation of sexual assaults in July. In August, let’s have a chat about interpersonal violence, sexual harassment, and stalking, all of which are extremely important and all-too-often overlooked when discussing sexual assault awareness. And, then, in September, let’s talk again about how to support survivors of sexual trauma.
I say again for that last one because let’s talk about that one now, too. Supporting a survivor of sexual assault feels like it is the hardest thing you can do for another human being. And it is. It is so difficult to see someone else in pain, to see someone else suddenly trying to cope with a trauma and violation that can eradicate any sense of safety and trust in the world around them. Whenever I talk to students about how to support their friends, they wonder aloud what is “the right thing to say.” This is the simple truth: there is no right thing to say. There are no words that can make it better. There is nothing that can make it make sense. So let go of that desire. They don’t need the right words. They need someone to believe them. I’m going to say that again for those in the back: they need someone to believe them.
While there aren’t necessarily right things to say, there certainly are wrong things to say. Don’t ask them questions designed to better understand the situation. Once you have an idea what they’re talking about, the details aren’t important. If they want to tell you, let them. If they don’t, don’t ask. We’ve all watched enough episodes of Law & Order: SVU that we feel like we want to know details, know what really happened. And nothing is to be gained from that and so much is at risk to be lost. Asking them details reinforces their fear that you don’t believe them. Asking them questions makes them feel interrogated. At its most basic, asking them questions makes them relive what is likely one of the most terrifying experiences of their lives. So don’t ask.
While we’re on the topic of don’ts, also don’t tell them what to do. It’s so easy to fall into that trap. And with all the best intentions. Someone discloses their sexual assault history to you and of course you want to help. “Let’s call Health and Wellness, let’s call Title IX, let’s call the police!” All of whom are excellent resources for different aspects of the situation, so I’m not saying don’t use them. I’m saying let the survivor choose. Sexual assault, at it’s core, is about power and control. It removes control from the person experiencing it. So the most important thing you can do is start their process of regaining control. Support them. Listen to them. Offer them options. And let them choose.
I could go on and on regarding this topic. For the purposes of this article, I won’t. Let’s keep it simple this time. When you’re supporting a survivor of sexual assault, believe them. Listen to them. Don’t ask them questions designed to gather more info or challenge their story. Listen to them. Offer options, but don’t give advice. Listen to them. Believe them.
Because that changes more than just that one situation. It doesn’t just help that one survivor. It changes society, person by person. Each time we can trust another with our story, it gets a little bit easier. And I’m not just talking about sexual assault. Each time we support someone else during a dark moment, we all have one less reason to be scared to tell our story. Because the rules set forth above are true for supporting anyone going through anything. Each time we do it, the world feels a little bit safer. The world seems a little bit kinder. And we need that right now.
That’s it for April. Let’s talk about this again in May.
