Dear Fall,
Get over yourself. No one asked for you to arrive with your sweater weather and pumpkin-spiced stupidity. Everyone knows you are just a frame of weather that must be endured to get to the good stuff—winter. You are the opening band, the preamble, the warm-up comedian. In other words: you’re stupid.
Don’t try to warm us up with your crisp leaves and buttery lattes—we see right through you. You are nothing but winter’s ugly stepsister. Did you know that leaves are essentially a metaphor for death? They are, and only sociopaths like to watch them turn and crunch them into a fine crumble of lifelessness. Leaves are pieces of nature that have died and fallen to the ground, and only people who simply want to celebrate death would dive into piles of them and enjoy watching them float majestically to the ground.
By the way, Halloween is stupid. No one likes candy, dressing up creatively, and partying until all hours of the night. There are no fun movies on the subject of Halloween. You know what, you spurred, “Halloweentown”, which is a piece of cinematic garbage. How dare you?
Cinematic brings me to cinnamon. Cinnamon, the prominent spice in pumpkin spice, doesn’t taste like love and hugs. It is arguably the grossest spice in the world. It is nothing compared to the white chocolate and peppermint that coat the throat of winter drinks and treats.
Also, what’s up with your fashion trends? Baggy sweaters, boots, and flannel—these are a few of no one’s favorite things. It’s not that they’re terrible, but these fashion pieces just don’t compare with the chunky layers that winter brings. Ah, winter, what with its down overcoats and thermal underwear. Now that is where fashion hits its seasonal stride. Nothing says comfort and style like wearing two pairs of pants for warmth.
Don’t get me started on pumpkin patches and apple picking. No, Fall. These are not fun activities. Pumpkins are not adorable, and apples aren’t fresh bites of tart, juicy fun. Also, you have to pick your own? Like, no thank you, I don’t want to pay to do physical labor for the food I will consume and/or carve. The only good thing about pumpkin patches and apple orchards, and I think you’ll agree with me here, is the plethora of Instagrams that get taken there. #fallfun.
October and November, sorry, you suck. It would be wonderful if you were as great as the slush-filled months that come with winter, but you just aren’t. You will never be as cozy or heartwarming as February, and your crisp weather will never compete with the sub-zero chill that accompanies winter. So, with a light heart, this is a public plea. Fall, you just gotta get over yourself. Go back to whatever flannel factory you came from, because no one around these parts appreciates you. Take your leaves and your nutmeg and get to stepping.
Sincerely,
Planet Earth
