Trumplestiltskin and Musty confirm love affair
38 Spellings ‘25
Staff Chef
Itssatireipromise;)@oceanjungle.edu
SATIRE—On Tuesday, April 1, President Orange Trumplestiltskin announced his torrid love affair with tech billionaire Eww Musty.
After the New Tork Yimes revealed footage of Musty passionately sucking Trumplestiltskin’s toes, the White House held a press release conference that confirmed the relationship between the two.
“I took the ‘T’ out of LGB to make it stand for something new…and that something is me, Trumplestiltskin,” said Trumplestiltskin in the press release.
Musty revealed the reason he purchased Tweetr in 2022 was to capture Trumplestiltskin’s attention by creating a digital space where he could woo Trumplestiltskin with unfiltered tweets, limitless self-promotion and the promise of reinstating his banned account.
“What can I say? His Cheeto dust skin, silky toupee, and fun house mirror proportions stole my heart,” Musty said. “We just get along so well and have the same goals: rapidly killing the planet, ruining the economy, and making sure our wallets are the only thing that keep growing.”
Many speculated that Trumplestiltskin’s wife Melan-Choly would be devastated by the news. However, she feels the opposite.
“I am so grateful for Musty. He saved me,” said Melan-Choly, crying tears of joy. “Now I don’t have to care about the Christmas stuff and decorations.”
The two plan to marry before Trumplestiltskin illegalizes same-sex marriage.
“Eww told me he could take me to Mars for our honeymoon. I said, ‘Why would I leave? I’m already the center of the universe,’” Trumplestiltskin said.
The love affair between Trumplestiltskin and Musty continues to captivate the nation, and the pair are embracing the spotlight. They have been spotted holding hands at rallies, making out in a Cybertruck, and sharing a meatball while discussing tax cuts for the rich.
“In a world of fake news Musty is the only thing that is real to me,” Trumplestiltskin said. “Our love is even bigger than my ego and that’s YUGE.”