Squirrels take over LFC campus
Gabaghool von Plant Yapper ’28
plantayapg@lakeforest.edu
Features Editor
SATIRE—The beginning of the school year started easy enough. Trees were turning over new leaves. Students were settling into their new homes. Squirrels were stealing trash. But, trash would not be the only thing squirrels were stealing. What started as squirrels just plopping themselves around campus or occasionally staring directly into students’ eyes, has turned much more…organized.
Starting in mid-September, the janitors of Lillard started to notice strange patterns of litter around the building. Initially assumed to be rowdy students purposefully trashing the building, evidence started to point towards another alternative.
Trash became more strategic. Piles started to get higher at the entrance to the building, blocking half the entrance. Then, trash started to appear stuffed inside vending machines, where the snacks used to be. Lillard was not an isolated incident.
By the end of the month, something strange was happening. Squirrels—dozens of them—had begun to gather in groups, all over campus. They’d sit at the tops of trees, eyes scanning the campus, as though waiting for a signal. The campus was still, almost unnervingly so, as students whispered to one another about the growing squirrel presence.
The day of reckoning came on November 1.
Morning rush came as usual, with students hauling themselves to their first classes of the day. But, a horror awaited them. Each and every classroom and lecture hall was found to be full of campus squirrels. Class was canceled for the day, but a Band-Aid can’t fix a gushing wound.
Every day of the week, like clockwork, squirrels appeared, ready for their classes. By the end of the first week of the squirrel uprising, the squirrels had commandeered nearly every major building on campus.
Today, squirrel life is LFC life. After student government passed the bill – Bill of Sqrights – to give squirrels the education they apparently asked for, squirrels are now an integral part of the school’s education system.
Mr. Squirrel stops by the cafeteria dumpster to pick up his morning bagel. Or cookie. Or coffee cup. He skitters off to Lillard, and greets Herbie on the way down to lecture hall 044. Mr. Squirrel is not just a Mr. He is also professionally Professor Squirrel, with a PhD in acorn science. Students were offered his course in Spring 2025 after requests from the biology department went to the administration to approve Prof. Squirrel’s status as a full-time lecturer.
“I believe the size of the professor should never indicate the size of their brain,” Squirrel said. “I just hope we get a better sound system so I don’t have to scream for my students to hear me.”
Squirrels are learning to get acquainted with their new peers. Freshman Acornio Squeeksalot, 18, is ready to join new clubs, for example. He believes this will be a great start to an even greater change that needs to happen nationwide.
“I want to start the first alliance for squirrel rights club, but right now my focus is on gaining new experiences and new perspectives,” Squeeksalot said. “The world is our acorn, we just need to be ready to take a crack at it.”