ATTENTION FORESTERS: There is a new beer expert on the block who recently tried Blue Moon beer for the first time. As soon as that fine craft beer hit his tongue, The Expert (as he is now formally known) found his true calling: being a know-it-all. Since that fateful day last weekend, The Expert has spent every waking moment discussing the pros and cons of various beer brands—always, always praising Blue Moon above all others.
I spoke to The Expert yesterday, and he had this to say: “Blue Moon is truly the gentleman of beers. If Blue Moon were a man, he would wear a fedora. Do you understand what I’m saying? Blue Moon is classy; it’s not like other beers. Blue Moon often gets looked over as the ‘nice’ beer, while girls—um, people—go for ‘bad’ beers that will treat them wrong and leave them broken-hearted—I mean, hungover. See, it’s like this: Blue Moon is in the beer friend zone…” It was at this moment that I walked away from The Expert, because I was afraid that I would punch him in the face. The Expert remained there for three or four hours, talking to the air. I don’t know what he was saying; I have a life.
This reporter’s opinion is that any person considering throwing a party and/or consuming alcohol, particularly beer, should avoid The Expert at all costs. And to anyone out there considering trying Blue Moon: shut your mouth. Be quiet. Seriously, be quiet right now. No one cares.
I need a drink.
