Yesterday, there was a discovery into the epidemic known as “Napping.” A cure has been found, and that cure is Red Bull.
Researchers at NAP Labs (Narcoleptic and Asleep People) discovered an anomaly at Lake Forest College. This anomaly was none other than Rebecca Howell ’17, an avid consumer of Red Bull, who has not slept since January 2016. Howell, when asked to comment, said that “sleep is for pussies,” then promptly flipped a table over and ran out of the interview room. After, reporters tracked her back to the P.O.D., and she told us she was just way too busy to make any further comments on the matter, then promptly flipped a table over and ran out of the student center.
NAP Labs remarked that students like Howell have a rare ability to stay awake indefinitely with very few side effects. Most students subjected to extreme lack-of-sleep conditions exhibit symptoms such as exhaustion, irritability, delusions, decreased motivation, auditory and visual hallucinations, rashes, extra toes, consuming abnormal amounts of Stu-Brews, and skipping 8 a.m. classes. Remarkably, Howell exhibited none of these symptoms, even when subjected to the most severe lack-of-sleep conditions NAP Labs could simulate.
Scientists took samples of Howell’s blood to get a closer look at what it is that protects her from sleepiness. Much to their surprise, they found that her blood lacked the normal red and white blood cells found in students’ blood previously tested by the laboratory. Instead, from consuming high amounts of the much-loved energy drink, Red Bull, it appears that Howell’s blood has been entirely replaced by the drink.
Upon further investigation, the astounding quantities of caffeine measured within her blood samples showed that the caffeine levels were 12 times more potent than the retail quantity in widely produced Red Bull. Jumping on the opportunity, Red Bull Inc. struck a deal with Howell to synthesize her blood into a brand new energy drink more powerful than any other in existence. The deal was worth a lifetime supply of said Red Bull, rumored to be named “Rebecca Bull.” Howell gladly accepted the deal and promptly flipped a table over and ran out of the corporate office.
A reporter fortunate enough to try a sample of Rebecca Bull responded, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” then promptly flipped a table over and ran out of the newsroom. He has not slept in three weeks and displays no signs of deterioration.
Rebecca Bull will come out in the beginning of May— just in time for final exams.
