Chinophobia: the crippling fear of frozen precipitation. While this word may not mean a whole lot to the average Illinoisan, it means everything to one special forester here on our campus in winter.
Today, we tackle a story of fear and loss.
Bruce Holtman is a freshman here on campus, hailing from Arlington, Texas. Like all eager young souls
ready to begin their journey here at Lake Forest College, he arrived for New Student Orientation in August. For Bruce, life was as sweet as fresh Texan sweet-tea. The weather was warm. The tender embrace of mother nature was reminiscent of his homestead.
Then, something previously unimaginable began to occur. The leaves changed. The sun began its humble retreat. Bruce could feel his vigor fading like a candle left in the whipping wind. His bones longed for the desert heat that he was raised in.
Then, one day, just when he was sure that God could not forsake him any further…it happened.
We have a direct interview with Bruce to recount the fateful day. He gave me full permission to use this information.
Dean: “So Bruce, what was it like when you saw it for the first time?”
Bruce: “I…I remember walking out of the student center… the sky was grey… like purgatory. I took my first steps… and I saw it… falling.”
Dean: “Saw what?”
Bruce: “The nightmare…it hit my cheek, and it stung me like a cold blade. I fell on the
pavement…I thought I had been shot.”
Dean: “And then what happened?”
Bruce: “…More of it fell…I knew I only had a limited amount of time before Satan’s spawn overtook me. I scrambled to the car and used my Apple watch to call my personal valet boy to come and sacrifice his body to save me from the fodder of the heavens. He used himself to shield me from the snow, and he carried me into the car… off of the wet pavement…”
Dean: “… And?”
Bruce: “Once in the car,I looked down… and he was dead. He was shocked senseless by the snowflakes barraging his tender skin. The cold had overtaken him.”
Dean: “Dear God… why weren’t the Texas students informed of how lethal the snow is to their systems?”
Bruce: “We weren’t aware of the dark mysticism of the north— the wrath of the sky.”
Dean: “How’d you escape the snow?”
Bruce: “By this time, a quarter inch of snow had already formed a wall preventing me from driving. I never learned to operate a snowy vehicle. I was trapped like a castaway at sea. On the quad, I could see sick bastards playing in the same substance that killed my driver. I prayed for salvation.”
Dean: “…And this was when pub-safe broke open the car to carry you back to Nollen?”
Bruce: “Yes sir. Those men saved my life…”
If there’s any lesson to learn here folks, it’s to educate yourself on a school’s climate before committing to a four-year education there.
