MY NAME IS MY NAME! LAST TIME I CHACKED…. I AM A-LIVE. I GOT FLASH AND, BONES. I GOT 46 CHROMOZONES! THIS AINT NO, NO TOW ZONE… NOT TODAY! NOPE! NO SIREE BOB! I WILL NOT BE DENIED IN DIS PARKIN’ LOT. C’MON. REALLY? DIS IS SILLY! I JUST WANTED TO GO RUN INTO THA PIGGLY WIGGLY AND GET SOME MILK…FOR MY BABAY BOY. DON’T TOY……………….WITH ME…….I JUST GOT A TICK-ET FOR P-EEING IN PU-BLIC. THIS IS RU-BBISH! HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME?????? OH GEE I’M SO ALONE. I’M A SINGLE MOM WITH A MINIUM WAGE JOB, AND I JUST GOT MY CAR TOWED IN A PARKING LOT. STOP! CRUEL WORLD! FOR IGNORING MY WORTH, GOD YOU’VE BEEN SCREWING ME OVER SINCE MY BIRTH! I’M HURT! I’M IN PAIN! I’M GOING INSANE! I CAN’T LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR! I CAN NO LONGER LOOK AT A REFLECTION OF A MISTAKE! ****GOUGES HER OWN EYES OUT****
Image Credit: sweetclipart.com
DOCTOR: Ok, I don’t want to be here just as much as you. No one wants to give or take an eye exam on Christmas. KID: Yeah, you’re a real Grinch, Doc.
DOCTOR: (Yelling) Excuse me???? Do you talk to your mother with that mouth???
KID: (Face immediately becomes flush with sadness)
DOCTOR: Oh c’mon. Don’t get all sad on me. Let’s get this eye exam over with, then you can go home and cry to your mommy.
KID: (Bursts into tears)
DOCTOR: Oh, hey. Don’t cry. I’m just givin’ you a hard time. You know us American doctors….hahaha…. we are really convoluted people. We love saving your life just as much as we love making money off you. And I’m a pediatrician, for God’s sake. I don’t need to have my office open on Christmas. My wife just bought this mansion in Lake Forest and it was way outta our price range. Haha, look at me and my doctor ego, talkin’ bout myself while you’re in tears…. are you going to be ok to do this eye exam?
KID: Yeah. I’m sorry, Doc. It’s not your fault. My mom just got in this freak accident a couple of days ago. It’s been a rough holiday.
DOCTOR: Oh no!!! What happened???
KID: My mom was putting up my family’s Christmas tree and while she was carrying it to the living room, she slipped on some milk I spilled. The tree fell on her, and the pine needles from the tree punctured her eyes, like they were….(Starts sobbing) Like they were chicken kabobs, sir. It was horrific! She had to go to the emergency room. The surgeon said he’s never seen anything like it. He said the pine needles had the perfect velocity and angle to completely gouge out her eyes.
DOCTOR: Oh my. I’ve never heard anything like it.
KID: I know, and my family isn’t the most well off, and her insurance couldn’t cover her entire surgery, so I had to get a job bagging groceries at the Piggly Wiggly down the street. My manager treats me like I’m worthless, too. He always gets my name wrong. I really wish I could quit, but I can’t.
DOCTOR: I’m sorry, son. If it makes you feel better…you get to pee in a cup after the eye exam (awkward smirk).
KID: You’re insane. I can only imagine what you’re like in public.
DOCTOR: My kids have been givin’ me a hard time lately for wearing socks and sandals in public. I guess you could say my sandals are a “no toe zone.” Eh?….ahaha….That joke is actually a perfect transition to our eye exam. I just got this new Parking Wars themed eye exam poster. You’re going to be my first patient to read it. I haven’t even read it yet, so I’m kind excited. Shall we?
