A morning class is a commitment for many students. It requires preparing your assignments the day before, a consistent bedtime, and avoiding caffeine a few hours before sleep. The practicality of this method, however, is paradoxical, because a college student, by nature, is attracted to a continuous state of procrastination, and the bragging rights he or she gains from pulling serial “all-nighters.”
Thankfully, the night owls of the Calvin Durand Hall, colloquially called the “Wood Lounge,” have devised an ingenious method to enjoy their favorite pastime of procrastination while ensuring perfect class attendance and grades.
Samantha Miller ’17, a neuroscience and chemistry double major, describes her sleeping experience before her encounter with the ways of the Wood Lounge: “I was once a believer in napping to make up for my erratic sleep schedule. But we all know how that works. You go to bed, set 15 or so alarms on your phone in the hopes of waking up, but every attempt ends in the predictably disastrous way.
“By the fifth alarm, you have thrown your phone across the room, at which point it shatters and stops ringing, or you have somehow managed to unlock your phone and turn off each back-up alarm. And before you know it, you have slept through all your morning classes, and wake up in a panic just in time for lunch.”
Miller outlines what she calls the “sleep-cycle symbiosis” that helps the Wood Loungers master the art of procrastination, sleep-deprivation, excellent GPAs, and perfect attendance. When the POD closes at 2 a.m. and there is no other place for the Wood Loungers to wander off, they grudgingly migrate back to their assignments. With no other source of distraction, they resort to taking naps as the final straw to avoid finishing the last page of their paper or reading the final section of their textbook.
As Miller honestly described it, a responsible nap is unheard of. To compensate and counteract this barrier, each student begins “sleep-cycle symbiosis” by identifying another fellow procrastinator and invites them into a symbiotic relationship to be their personal alarm clock. The first student takes their 30 minutes on the infamous tattered wood lounge couches, at the end of which their sleep-partner wakes them up and they exchange roles. This cycle continues until the assignment is done, or until the cafeteria opens at 7 a.m. and the students can refuel for class and another day of procrastination.
“It is a miracle that they keep up so well socially and academically,” Miller said. “But I think they have it figured out.”
The symptoms of this cycle include eye-bags, irritability, loss of coordination, and sleep attacks during class. However, the success of this method is undeniable.
When the Wood Lounge is unavailable due to Speed Networking, Open House, or some other unexpected event, the Wood Loungers migrate to the first floor of the library where they share the gospel of the sleep-cycle symbiosis to the rest of the student body by example.
Disclaimer: All stories in The Chive are works of fiction. People involved in the stories may not have knowledge of their involvement. This section is meant to serve as a humorous break from the daily grind.
