Donald Trump was sitting in the oval office when he heard the familiar chug of his HP Officejet Pro 8610 printer. He was befuddled, as he hadn’t pressed the little blue “print” button on his laptop like his assistant had taught him last week.
Still sitting in his wheelie chair, he shuffled over to the printer. A single paper had been produced. It said: “your Pop-Tarts are burning.” The mysteriously omnipotent printer was right! Trump, still in his wheelie chair, rolled over to the toaster he had installed shortly after taking office. The two strawberry Pop-Tarts that were supposed to serve as his second breakfast were singed, and their burning scent readily penetrated Trump’s freshly tweezed nostrils. Just as he was about to toss them, the microwave began beeping wildly.
Trump, still in the chair, slowly propelled himself to the other side of the oval office. He had requested that the microwave and toaster be on opposite sides of the office; Kellyanne wanted to make sure he was getting all his steps in.
After 47 seconds, Trump had arrived at the microwave. Its small digital screen kept repeating “666.” Trump, not a particularly religious man, bowed his head, pressed his hands together, and then yelled out, “KELLYANNE, YOU PROMISED ME NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN AFTER BETSY DEVOS AND I PLAYED WITH THAT OUIJA BOARD.”
On a beach in Palm Springs, Barack and Michelle Obama fist bumped as they showed me the live surveillance footage from the oval office. “We like to keep him busy while Congress is in session,” Michelle said. “He didn’t even know what a Pop-tart was until we pulled some strings at YouTube and had their ads air before every JennaMarbles video he tried to watch.”
The Obamas have kept a tight watch over their former home in the aftermath of Trump’s inauguration. Their main concern is in controlling the recklessness of Donald Trump through distraction. The wheelie chair? That was their idea.
They send gifts, signing the cards “Vlad Putin,” and have had no trouble getting Trump to accept them. The Obamas have sent Chia Pets, a slinky, a portable DVD player, an ant farm, and even coupons for pottery classes.
“We once sent him the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. That kept him busy for two weeks,” said Barack with a laugh. “He’d play by himself, and celebrate when he won…which was every time. He’d even encourage the secret service to applaud.”
It’s not clear for how long the Obamas intend to keep up with their exploits, but for now, it appears as though they are doing the American people a great service. We glanced back to the live feed; Trump had fallen asleep in his wheelie chair while Kellyanne directed two men who appeared to be replacing both appliances. “He usually naps for about three hours at a time,” said Michelle, smiling at Barack.