It has been reported that during Halloween weekend, the corpses of America’s founding fathers were lurking around campus, moaning, “We already made America great, now shut up so we can sleep!”
It was a normal Halloween weekend on campus, and everyone was getting ready for a night of party hopping because obviously, one has to make several stops before hitting the Halloween ACP. The fishnets of naughty nurse costumes were sliding on, the millennials were perfectly positioning their emoji costumes, and the gory kids were applying their wounds and fake blood in many coats. Music could be heard echoing throughout the campus, shots of “Beetle Juice” were being taken, and “Spooky Dirt Brownies” were being eaten left and right.
In everyone’s quest to reach a festive oblivion, no one noticed the decayed founding fathers roaming about campus screaming “Why??????” This inattention is unfortunate, as I’m sure they didn’t make the trip from their East Coast burial sites for their own health (being dead and all). Luckily, this reporter was on the scene and more sober than a public safety officer to catch the scoop.
First, I was able to catch up with Benjamin Franklin, who seemed to be mildly distracted by the spinning metal contraption out in front of the library and Hotchkiss Hall. After convincing him that it wasn’t intended to be a lightning rod, therefore his bust need not be anywhere near it, I got him to explain why he was here. Ben proceeded to say:
“Well, at first we were just rolling in our graves. You know, we thought that would suffice, but when we realized people were really considering either Trump the idiot or Hillary, we thought, crap I guess we have to do something.”
When I further pressed Ben as to why he disliked Hillary, he proceeded to lean in close and whisper, “I know Hillary wears pants, but there are lady parts under there and that just won’t do under my dead watch.”
When catching up with George Washington and asking him how he felt about the election, he said: “If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter,” but he further elaborated that at this point, he’d rather “shove my finest powdered wig into [Trump’s] mouth so he’d shut up already!” The conversation was going great until it took a turn for the worse when he asked me to help him pick some crops in the garden behind Glen Rowan, which I took as my cue to leave.
The most interesting of all might have been finding Alexander Hamilton lurking outside the entrance to the Center for Chicago Programs. When I asked him what about the election made him rise from the grave, he proceeded to look puzzled and say, “Look, I’m just trying to get some free tickets to see my show. One hundred million dollars they make and I’m not seeing a single cent!”
