Chive - Stentor

Third Party Candidates Lead Polls With Stoners, the Uninformed, and Own Families

Posted on November 8, 2016January 3, 2017 by Camille Lemieux

As the votes pour in and the final polls get counted, they show a sharp increase in support for third-party candidates like Gary Johnson and Jill Stein. Dr. Jill Stein has carried the stoners for most of the election, most likely because they thought the Green Party had more to do with weed than it actually does. Recent polls, however, have shown that more and more stoners are switching over to the Libertarian Party…

The Party Porpoise: The Evil That Wants You To Take Its Condoms

Posted on October 19, 2016January 2, 2017 by Camille Lemieux

Fake eyes, a hairy dolphin costume, and a bag of candies and condoms—these make up the fuel for the perfect nightmare, otherwise known as The Party Porpoise. The Party Porpoise has been haunting campus and spreading its message of being safe at parties in the most terrifying way possible: by literally showing up in full dolphin costume at your front door. The only way it could be creepier is if it wore clown makeup and…

AN INTERVIEW: The Raccoons of Lake Forest

Posted on October 19, 2016January 2, 2017 by Camille Lemieux

The following is a transcript of an interview with the raccoons of Lake Forest conducted in August of 2016. ANDERSON: They’re new. They’re exciting. They’re smelly. You’ve never met a family like them. Discovered by Lake Forest Associate Professor Ben Goluboff while on one of his nighttime bird-watching stints, they’re the subjects of a new reality show coming to a little-known Lake Forest TV channel. Its name? Rummaging with the Raccoons. We are joined today…

Appropriation of Ghost Culture Continues This Halloween

Posted on October 19, 2016January 2, 2017 by Camille Lemieux

It’s 2016, and America is the most progressive society that will ever exist. We have already solved many of the world’s problems, but there is one recurring issue that rears its head every October. I’m talking about the cultural appropriation of ghosts. Every year we dress up as ghosts and adorn our houses with their images, without thinking once about the struggle ghosts go through. Ghosts have a rich culture stretching all the way back…

A Letter To Fall: Go Home, No One Likes You

Posted on October 19, 2016January 2, 2017 by Camille Lemieux

Dear Fall, Get over yourself. No one asked for you to arrive with your sweater weather and pumpkin-spiced stupidity. Everyone knows you are just a frame of weather that must be endured to get to the good stuff—winter. You are the opening band, the preamble, the warm-up comedian. In other words: you’re stupid. Don’t try to warm us up with your crisp leaves and buttery lattes—we see right through you. You are nothing but winter’s…

Aramark at Center of a Massive Web of Conspiracies

Posted on October 19, 2016January 2, 2017 by Camille Lemieux

Shhhhh… Come here. Lean in closer, reader. This is a secret. What I’m about to tell you is top-secret information. DON’T tell anyone. I shouldn’t even be talking about this right now. You’ve heard of the Illuminati, right? What would you say if I told you that Aramark, the people who feed us every single day, are closely tied to that organization? A-R-A-M-A-R-K. Seven letters. I-L-L-U-M-I-N-A-T-I. Ten letters. That’s almost the same amount of letters!…

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